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For many, the holidays conjure up warm memories of playing in freshly fallen snow, gifts around the tree, midnight mass, or lighting a menorah and eating latkes. But if television commercials are to be believed, this is also the season for big purchases—new cars for your beloved, or a sparkly engagement ring.
The most popular month to get engaged in is December, with 16 percent of couples getting engaged in the final month of the year. And Christmas Day is the most popular day to get engaged. What could be a better gift, after all, than a sparkly ring?
If you’re considering a proposal for the holidays, the first thing to do is to talk to your partner—then talk some more! Partners who are on the same page about big-picture issues, like finances, whether to have children or not, and where to live, are more likely to have successful marriages.
Of course, many couples have discussed getting engaged well before a proposal. Couples we interviewed discovered that a natural time to do this is when attending the wedding of a friend or family member. While talking before proposing may feel less than spontaneous, the key is to create a solid marriage, not just an exciting proposal. We found that it was the very rare man who proposed to a completely unsuspecting woman—what a leap of faith!
What if you want to be proposed to?
If you’d rather your partner do the asking, our advice remains the same—talk to him or her! Let your partner know that you’d like to get married, that you’d like them to be the one to propose, and (to avoid any ring mishaps) if you have any specific preferences. It is just as important to let your partner know a general timeline for when you’d like to become engaged, and when you would like to tie the knot. For college-educated couples, for example, a timeline of dating for about a year, living together for about a year, and then getting engaged and immediately launching into wedding planning seems to be the preference.
Many couples find that these conversations go very smoothly. For example, one couple we spoke to talked about how they began talking about getting engaged, deciding that, “We just sort of inched to yes.”
However, it is just as important to learn when you’re not on the same page. Should you find that your partner is not ready for marriage, it is important to dig a bit deeper—are they not ready now or not ready ever? If not now, when might they imagine being ready? Two years? Twenty years? And, most importantly, if their timeline or plans do not match yours, it’s time to do some soul-searching to decide if this relationship is the right fit for you.
How to propose?
If you and your partner have decided to wed, it’s time for a proposal. Of course, the most well-known proposal scenes feature a man asking a woman. But if this leaves you cold—whether because your relationship is based on egalitarian or feminist principles, or you are a same-sex couple—there are a growing number of models for flipping the script.
Channel your inner Queen Victoria, for example, if you are a woman who wants to be in charge. Several of the men we interviewed said that they would find a woman proposing to be quite a turn-on! Simon, a carpenter we interviewed, said, “I do think more women should propose. I think that is a turn-on. It would be a turn-on for me.” If you’re not a traditional couple, why shoehorn yourself into a traditional proposal?
Many same-sex couples, alternatively, are both hoping to be the initiator, and find that it is just a matter of who does it first. There are few well-worn models for how same-sex couples get engaged, which can be quite freeing. Given that it’s been less than five years since it became a country-wide option, categorizing the ways that same-sex couples propose is only just beginning.
But what if you are a more traditional couple or a woman who yearns for that romantic gesture? We found that most of the men that we interviewed were a bit daunted by the prospect, especially when faced with numerous Hollywood images of the perfect romantic proposal. Knowing what your partner expects—a grand public gesture or a down-home dinner—can make the experience far more comfortable and memorable.
In fact, one woman we interviewed, who was discussing the idea of an engagement, sincerely told her partner that his proposal should be simple, saying, “You can ask over sandwiches.” When it comes down to it, it is really the thought that counts. For many, proposals broadcast over jumbotrons are more shocking than intimate; other women rued the canned proposals (rose petals strewn over the floor, a la The Bachelor).
Be true to yourself and your partner. Remember, this is about the two of you, though some of the most special proposals we learned about involved loved ones who helped select the ring, plan the proposal, or even were present for the special moment. So, don’t be afraid to reach out to loved ones for help.
Whether you decide this holiday season is the one to get engaged or not, opening up a dialogue with your partner to learn more about their plans and dreams is never a bad thing. And whether there’s a ring among the packages or not, you’ll be closer for having had the discussion.
