How Do We Show Our Children Empathy, Compassion, and Kindness?

Empathy is a quality of character that can change the world. –Barack Obama

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There is a way for us to talk to children with empathy, compassion, and kindness about their feelings regarding gaining too much weight too fast. How do we embody empathy, compassion, and kindness? What exactly are empathy, compassion, and kindness? How do we show empathy, compassion, and kindness? Think about it like this:

Empathy is when you can understand and care about how someone else is feeling. Empathy is the thought.

Compassion is when you feel another's suffering and want to help relieve it. Compassion is the feeling.

Kindness is the act of alleviating suffering, showing love, and being present. Kindness is the action.

Teaching Empathy

Mary Gordon is an award-winning serial social entrepreneur in the field of education. She is an educator, author, parenting expert, and child advocate who has created programs informed by the power of empathy. Gordon beautifully describes empathy in this quote: "Empathy comes in many colors. Often we think of our ability to see from another's perspective as the essence of social intelligence. This cognitive form of empathy reveals how we make maps of others' minds to understand how they feel and what they think, and even imagine ourselves walking in their mental shoes. Others can also "feel felt" by us, sensing that their feelings are in tune with ours—that we resonate with their inner life. This form of emotional empathy enables us to feel close and comforted, to sense that others connect to us beneath and beyond logic and linear thinking of linguistic language. And even more, others can feel that we are concerned about them, have compassion for their pain, and take joy in their triumphs."

Responding to the feelings, needs, and desires of others is at the heart of the loving, healthy relationships that help us feel secure. As parents, your consistent presence and behaviors will help create circumstances for secure attachments to grow between everyone in the family. It's like the idea of harmony, having good reception on the radio channel, or being tuned in. If the tuner is off-channel, you are very aware of the static, the non-harmonious feeling in the room. Remember, empathy is about your child's ability to perceive another person's emotions. Compassion is when they have feelings that inspire them to help.

How do we teach children empathy? We do so by helping them develop a moral identity. In a recent study, researchers found that children ages three to six who receive praise for helping others were less likely to act more generously in the future than kids who receive praise for being helpful people. We can help children develop a moral identity by sharing that they are thoughtful people who value others. It is one step beyond just praising them for good deeds.

So What Does Empathy Look Like?

Let's say a child shares a toy with another child when asked. We typically say, "Good sharing" or "That was so nice of you to share." Instead, we might say, "When you share your toys, I can see you care that others have a turn too." So how do we know if we are helping our child develop empathy? Here are a few signs that things are going well in a child's first six years:

Ages 0 to 2

By soothing an infant, you'll help them learn to comfort themselves and, eventually, to comfort others.

Toddlers are sensitive to their friends' feelings and often mimic their emotions, a necessary precursor to empathy.

Empathy must be repeatedly modeled and encouraged in toddlers before it becomes a part of their behavior.

Ages 3 to 4

Three-year-olds can make the connection between emotions and desires, and they can respond to a friend's distress with simple, soothing gestures.

Sometimes preschoolers can only relate to the feelings of others if they share the same feelings and perspectives on a situation.

Four-year-olds are capable of seeing a situation from another person's perspective. Yet they need to know that not all reactions to feelings are okay.

Ages 5 to 6

With their ever-increasing vocabulary, five-year-olds love to share their feelings. They can participate in discussions about emotions, which will help them develop a better understanding of the feelings of others.

Five and six-year0olds learn to read others' feelings through their actions, gestures, and facial expressions—an essential empathy and social skill.

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By modeling and encouraging empathy, kindergartners will learn to become compassionate members of a caring community.

Compassion

Compassion means "to suffer together." Emotion researchers say the feeling arises when you are aware of a person's suffering and feel compelled to relieve that suffering. Some people feel compassion in the heart, throat, stomach, or sometimes a combination of all three. When I feel compassion, it is typically in my heart and throat. It is as if my heart feels the pain I am seeing in another person, and then my throat tightens until I find the right words to say to comfort. Then my mind jumps in (empathy) and searches for the right words. I wait until I unearth the kindest words that won't diminish a person's dignity but will lift their spirit and make them feel cared for. It is a balancing act, for sure.

Did you know that there are researchers who study compassion? One researcher, Dacher Keltner, the author of Born to Be Good and Faculty Director of the Greater Good Science Center, has shown that "when we feel compassion, our heart rate slows down, we secrete the "bonding hormone" oxytocin, and regions of the brain linked to empathy, caregiving, and feelings of pleasure light up, which often results in our wanting to approach and care for other people." So it makes sense that we can feel compassion in our bodies and get a boost of love when we act on them.

Where do you feel compassion in your body? As we better understand how we feel compassion, we can help our children learn too. When compassion motivates a child to act kindly towards someone suffering, we can reinforce that boost of love they may feel by praising their character, not the actual behavior. What does this look like in real life? Here is an example:

A child sees their friend struggling to put their boots on to play in the snow. We could say: You are such a helpful person. You saw your friends struggling and helped make sure they could be part of the fun!

Can Compassion Be Taught?

In a recent study, Dr. Weng from University of San Francisco's Osher Center of Integrative Health trained young adults to engage in compassion meditation, an ancient Buddhist technique, to increase caring feelings for people who are suffering. In the meditation, participants envisioned a time when someone had suffered and practiced wishing their suffering was relieved. They repeated phrases to help them focus on compassion, such as, "May you be free from suffering. May you have joy and ease." Participants practiced with different categories of people, starting with a loved one or someone for whom they quickly felt compassion, like a friend or family member. Then, they practiced compassion for themselves and then for a stranger. Finally, they practiced compassion for someone they actively had a conflict with, called the "difficult person," such as a troublesome coworker or roommate. "It's kind of like weight training," Weng says. "Using this systematic approach, we found that people can build up their compassion 'muscle' and respond to others' suffering with care and a desire to help."

Remember, empathy leads to compassion which leads to acts of kindness.