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Key points
- The feeling of not belonging is common among those raised in emotionally neglectful families.
- This feeling can hang over you and emerge at unexpected times, preventing you from being fully involved.
- You can mend the root cause of the "on the outside" feeling by doing the opposite of what the feeling says.
Do you too often feel like you don’t belong? Perhaps even when you’re with family or friends?
If your answer to this question is “yes,” you are in the right place right now. Feeling as though you don’t belong is a core attribute of someone who was raised with childhood emotional neglect. In fact, the question above is the very first item on the Emotional Neglect Questionnaire, the test I created to help people identify the effects of childhood emotional neglect in their current lives.
The feeling of being “on the outside” is described to me time and time again by emotionally neglected clients in my psychology practice. They might feel it in a large gathering of people or a small one. It can feel like a need to act in certain ways to be accepted. Sometimes, this “outside” feeling can dampen their ability to enjoy themselves. Some of my clients have left events early because of it. Many have described the pang of longing as they look around and notice other people laughing and conversing with ease, wishing they knew what was missing for them.
Whatever the specific experience, the core feeling is powerful: I do not belong here.
Most, if not all, of the lovely people I have met who have described some variation of this feeling, have one important thing in common: They all grew up with childhood emotional neglect.
How You Become an “Outsider”
Childhood emotional neglect is something that doesn’t happen as your parents raise you. Your feelings don’t get acknowledged, responded to, or validated enough. It lives beneath the surface, but its impact can be great. A subliminal message follows you throughout your life: Your feelings don’t matter. You don’t matter.
Since your household wasn’t a welcoming or safe place for your emotions, you pushed them deep down inside of you—hoping they stayed undetected so as not to burden your parents. This survival mechanism of pushing down your feelings did just that, it helped you survive … and that is an amazing thing. And yet, in adulthood, this survival mechanism becomes a significant problem.
Emotions need to be acknowledged and felt in order to live a fulfilling life. When you stifle your feelings, you also stifle the opportunity to connect with others. It’s as though you shut off your access to the emotional energy that lives among all of us, as well as the emotional energy within yourself, creating the “on the outside” feeling.
Imagine attempting to live in a world where you don’t acknowledge your sense of smell. Everyone else has this sense, but you have been so accustomed to dialing yours down and ignoring it that you feel like you’re missing out when people talk about the wonderful smell of freshly baked cinnamon rolls or the blooming flowers in the spring.
Here lies the good news: The reality is that you can, indeed, still smell. And just because your emotion valve has been shut off doesn’t mean it needs to stay that way. Childhood emotional neglect can be overcome. Your emotion spigot can be turned back on.
4 Ways to Overcome Feeling Like an Outsider
1. Start paying attention to this feeling inside of you. How would you personally describe this “on the outside” feeling? Start to notice when you get it. Notice how it feels in your body and what thoughts you have about yourself when it comes up. When you can notice and identify it, it’s easier to do something about it.
Please note that while this feeling feels so very real to you, it’s not real to others. The people you surround yourself with don’t see you as someone who doesn’t belong. The people who matter in your life want to connect with you. Remember this each time you notice this feeling.
2. Do the opposite of what this feeling tells you to do. Does it tell you to hold back? Does it say your opinion isn’t important to share? Does it tell you to leave the event early? Once you identify it and notice the power it has over your actions, you get to start taking your power back. So, say your opinion when you have one. Go to the social gathering and stay longer than you planned. This is how you consciously, intentionally override the feeling.
3. Talk to someone about this feeling. Find someone you can trust to talk openly about childhood emotional neglect and share this feeling like you’re on the outside looking in. While emotional connection may be scary, it’s the very thing that will help you to feel that you belong (and help you start believing it). When you are at gatherings with your trusted person, tell them what you need and how they can support you.
4. Begin addressing your childhood emotional neglect and the impact it has on you today. Learn all you can about childhood emotional neglect and how it looked for you in your upbringing. This can help you greatly with understanding yourself and your feelings better. The first step in healing your emotional neglect is to begin noticing all the feelings you have inside of you (not just the outsider feeling).
A New View: On the Inside
The key to emotional connection is intimacy and vulnerability—vital skills that were not adequately modeled or encouraged in your childhood home. But these things can be learned. Going out of your comfort zone will help you tremendously.
If you don’t want to feel on the outside, you need to start looking on the inside. Tapping into your feelings is a sure way to lessen the grips childhood emotional neglect has over you, your feelings, and your relationships.
The truth is that emotions enrich, invigorate, and deepen your sense of grounding and your feeling of belonging. As you allow yourself to feel and give your feelings respect and consideration, you are putting yourself on the road to belonging and connection.
© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.
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References
To determine if you might be living with the effects of childhood emotional neglect, you can take the free Emotional Neglect Questionnaire. You'll find the link in my bio.
