5 Signs That a Loved One Has Low Emotional Integrity

In a previous post about how to identify emotional integrity in a relationship, I described emotional integrity as knowing what you feel and why and being able and willing to face that and share it if needed, even if it’s painful.

Sadly, the world is full of people who have poor emotional integrity simply because they lack basic integrity overall. But, equally sadly, if not more so, there are also legions of people who have high general integrity but who still lack integrity of the emotional kind.

These are folks who would cringe away from ever misrepresenting themselves or lying to a friend, spouse, or family member because they know it’s morally and ethically wrong and harmful. They follow a moral code and try to do right by others. Yet, on an emotional level, they are too quick to deceive themselves and others.

It’s important to note that emotional integrity is vitally important to be able to flourish, enjoy, and thrive in relationships of all kinds. Even if one has general integrity, having a dearth of emotional integrity undercuts the authentic connection between them and you, undermines your ability to trust them, and may even drive you away from them.

But not all people who struggle with emotional integrity deserve to be left—not at all. It depends on the reason for their low emotional integrity.

5 Signs That Someone Lacks Emotional Integrity

1. Their apparent feelings don’t seem to match their words. This happens when someone is visibly angry, hurt, or sad, for example, but they claim that nothing is wrong. It’s remarkably common for some people to claim they aren’t having an emotion that is clearly evident to an outside observer.
2. Their words don’t match their actions. Every day, we humans make decisions about how we will behave and what we will do. Many of these decisions are conscious, whereas others happen outside of our awareness. Sometimes we can find ourselves behaving in a way that surprises us, and that’s because our actions are driven by our emotions in a deeper way than our thoughts. Unacknowledged, unaccepted feelings can propel us in surprising ways, and in these situations, we can easily say one thing and do another, perplexing ourselves and the people around us.
3. They hide their weaknesses, mistakes, and life struggles. In this case, the person may or may not be aware of their weakness, mistake, or problem, but the important thing is that they hide it from people around them who really need to know.
4. They “Yes” you when you share something emotional, but then do not show understanding, awareness, or interest afterward. This is a sign that the other person may be listening and is claiming to understand and agree but isn’t putting in the effort or energy to truly understand you on a deeper level.
5. They negate your feelings. This involves telling you that you don’t feel something you are feeling, insisting you shouldn’t be feeling your feelings, or telling you that you are wrong for feeling your feelings. In other forms, it may involve minimizing or insulting your feelings.

If you are experiencing any of these at the hands of someone in your life, it’s important to sit up and take note. It’s also important to try to understand why this person is acting as they are because understanding the “why” will help you sort out what you should do to take care of yourself.

3 Potential Reasons for a Lack of Emotional Integrity

1. Childhood emotional neglect: Families that ignore or discourage emotional expression, emotional awareness, and emotional needs fail to teach their children how emotions work. Many people who struggle with emotional integrity earnestly want to treat others well and believe they’re being honest, but they’re out of touch with their own feelings, so they don’t know what they feel. They also misinterpret and undervalue others’ feelings due to their lack of emotional awareness and emotional intelligence.
2. Avoidant tendencies: Those who have a general tendency to avoid unpleasant or challenging things may also be prone to avoiding unpleasant or challenging feelings, both their own and others’. This can make them likely to pretend their feelings don’t exist or that yours don’t because they’re simply trying to avoid dealing with any of it.
3. Low general integrity: These are the folks to truly watch out for. They purposely deny your feelings or try to bully you out of them for their own convenience or benefit. They can’t be trusted to be honest with you about their own feelings and are willing to twist your emotional truths at will. They may gaslight you if it behooves them.

What to Do

When you have a general sense that you are dealing with someone who lacks emotional integrity, it’s important to sort out the reasons why.

If they grew up emotionally neglected and simply don’t have the emotional knowledge, awareness, and skills, you can still likely trust them overall. Moreover, they can learn how to identify their feelings, how to put them into words, and how to share them. Emotionally neglected folks are teachable and changeable if they want to learn and change. Asking them to learn more about the effects of childhood emotional neglect is a good place to start. If you are in a romantic relationship with a person who may have low emotional integrity, let them know clearly that you need this to change, that they must learn the emotion skills.

Avoidant folks usually tend to avoid more than feelings. They may struggle with avoidance in various areas of their lives. Avoidant people can be challenging because they will tend to avoid the solution, which is beginning to directly acknowledge and address their own feelings and emotional needs as well as yours. The best solution in a relationship with an avoider is to set clear limits with them and hold fast to those limits, requiring what you need firmly and without letting them off the hook.

Dealing with the third group, the people who have low emotional integrity because of low general integrity is very different from either of the above. The best thing you can do for yourself here is to protect yourself. Accept that you cannot trust this person with your feelings and vulnerabilities. Emotionally, expect little and give little. Take as much distance as you need to stay emotionally safe, and always put yourself first.

Child Development Essential Reads

Is Your Child’s Preschool or Daycare Abusive?

Mothers, Not Incubators, Are Best for Preterm Babies

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.

Facebook image: Dragana Gordic/Shutterstock