6 Reasons It's Hard to Recognize a Sociopathic Parent

Source: Hayati Kayhan/Shutterstock

Sociopath.

It's a high-impact word. So, as you read this, you may already have some feelings: a bit of intrigue, anxiety or anger, or something else entirely. It all depends on your personal experience, which leads to these two questions:

Would you be able to tell if someone close to you is a sociopath?

What if one of your parents is/was a sociopath? Would it be obvious?

As a therapist specializing in childhood emotional neglect, I have worked with numerous clients whose parents were likely sociopaths. Since sociopaths lack a conscience, they don’t have the ability to feel guilt or take accountability for their actions. They are also unable to feel empathy or compassion for their children, which is a recipe for childhood emotional neglect.

In my therapy office, I see firsthand the feelings of emptiness and unworthiness, the self-doubt and confusion resulting from the sociopathic parent's emotional neglect. Yet I have also seen how easy it is for sociopathic parents to appear normal, making it very difficult for their grown children to identify the true source of their issues.

The Sociopathic Parent and Emotional Neglect

Contrary to popular belief, most sociopaths do not break laws or physically aggress against others. But they most certainly do break the emotional rules that other people naturally follow and aggress against others emotionally.

A newly published review of the qualities that best describe people with sociopathic personalities (Crego & Widiger, 2022) identified the common, unifying traits of sociopaths as antagonism, callousness, manipulativeness, dishonesty, arrogance, and cruelty. As you consider these identifiers, please think of them in emotional terms. These behaviors can happen in subtle, underground ways that may make you feel hurt, angry, tricked, insulted, or used while also being confused about what just happened.

Some sociopathic parents, because they view their children as extensions of themselves and care so much about how they appear to others, manage to do an okay job in many aspects of parenting. But, even the best are unable to hide their callousness from their kids, who end up receiving little-to-no genuine empathy or compassion from them. The callousness of the sociopathic parent has an edge of coldness, unpredictability, and harshness that places it in a somewhat different category from the emotional neglect delivered by more benign types of emotionally neglectful parents.

So, you may grow up receiving little to no authentic emotional compassion, empathy, or validation. You may think your parent loves you but not actually feel it. Yet you may doubt that any of this lack of genuineness is real because your parent does go through the motions of love and care. Plus, every fiber of your being wants the genuine emotional connection to be true.

Six Reasons It’s Hard to Identify a Sociopathic Parent

1. Our human brains are wired to love and admire our parents. It is very difficult to see or accept that your parent has no conscience or does not mean well. We are all prone to see normal feelings where there are none and forgive the unforgivable when it comes to our parents.
2. People are infinitely complex. People behave inconsistently, so most of us are hesitant to put too much weight on any one behavior, especially in a relationship as deep and lasting as with parents. For example, we excuse their actions, thinking they didn’t mean it.
3. We interpret our parents’ actions through our own lens. When, in fact, our lens may not apply at all. For example, you assume the reason your parent didn’t act pleased when you shared an accomplishment with them is that they must be depressed. But you are missing the true intention of the sociopath, which was to diminish your accomplishment to assuage their jealousy and make themselves feel better.
4. The inconsistencies in their behavior trick us. A kind or caring action tends to erase the opposing one(s) that came before. So, if your parent treats you in a manipulating, disregarding, attacking, or insulting way, you will be hurt and angry. But when that parent later does something kind or thoughtful, you may view the prior offense as an aberration. It fades into the background, and you are unprepared when it happens again.
5. Manipulation can be difficult to see. The nature of manipulation is that it happens behind the scenes. You and your sibling(s) might be pitted against each other and have no idea that you are being played. Your parent might tear down your self-esteem by such small, subtle attacks that you barely notice.
6. Children can’t recognize callousness. As a child, you don’t know what you should be feeling from your parent in terms of empathy or compassion, so your parent’s artificial version feels real. This can leave you with an attachment style in which false connections feel real to you.

The Special Quality of Emotional Neglect From a Sociopathic Parent

Parental love that lacks authentic feeling is a special form of gaslighting. As a child, you might see your parent acting loving and caring, but to your heart, it feels empty. The confusing cues are a set-up for feelings of emptiness and confusion in your adult life.

If seemingly genuine love and caring are combined with unpredictable emotional manipulation, emotional attack, disregard, arrogance, or dishonesty, it’s difficult even as an adult to process and cope with it.

If you see these patterns in your parent, awareness is the key to healing. Being able to see your parent as they truly are is the most powerful way to eliminate the gaslighting, clear your confusion, and go forward with a clear mind to heal the emotional neglect you’ve been experiencing your whole life.

Sociopathy Essential Reads

Sociopath: A Memoir

When It’s Wise to Embrace Our Inner Sociopath

Healing your emotional neglect requires putting more value and focus on your feelings, your needs, and your wishes than your parent ever could allow. And with every step you take in this new direction, you are putting a thicker, stronger, more resilient boundary in place to protect you.

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.

Facebook image: Prostock-studio/Shutterstock