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I recently attended a St. Patty’s Day gathering at the home of a colleague, when his 19-year-old daughter, Erin, who I’ve watched growing up, took me aside. She told me that she really liked her new-found boyfriend, he was very insightful how others felt, yet he seemed to lack compassion.
I must have looked puzzled, for she followed up, “I can’t ask dad and mom; they will just end up treating me as a romantic teenager.”
“Far be it from me,” I replied. “Tell me a little more about this young man.”
Erin related how she met Frank at a celebration following a big-win college basketball game where almost everyone was guzzling beer, getting high, and gushing all over one another. Frank appeared, cautioned her not to drink too much, stay in control of herself, and enjoy the spirit of the moment, without tomorrow's hangover.
“So Frank is fairly responsible and seems to have your best interests at heart?”
Yes, Erin said. The problem is that he’s slightly controlling, prides himself on being logical, and has to be right about everything.
Do you argue with him, I asked?
Sometimes, yes, but he wraps himself up in logic and belittles my feelings, refusing to see my side of the issue.
But you said he was very insightful, I countered.
Erin, paused, and with a plaintive gesture said she really liked Frank. He was trustworthy, amicable with others, seemed to like her a lot, and was very sharp in reading where others were coming from.
It’s a tough call, Erin, I said. It seems you’re looking for emotional empathy from a partner, which is not easy to come by, particularly from a male.
But you’re a male, Erin said.
Yes, but although I’m in touch with my feelings, as a psychologist, I’m pretty much in control. I have to be able to go up a level to offer advice to my clients, and not allow myself to merge feelingly with them at the level of their pain.
But what about with your wife and daughter, Erin asked.?
That’s different, I replied. I remember once, early on, my wife screamed at me for not seeing her side of an emotional issue. I relented for my just looking at the big picture, and that was that.
I continued. It sounds like Frank has what some call “cognitive empathy”. This enables him not just to read other’s emotions, but to put himself in the other’s shoes so he can better negotiate a win-win resolution. Although a superior strategy for the business world, it doesn’t make for a great life at home. Whether or not Frank will ever be able to show emotional empathy for you sometime in the future, I don’t know. I only know that you’re not the only young woman whose boyfriend doesn’t have the capacity for emotional empathy.
Erin laughed and said, “So I’m lucky to have found someone with cognitive empathy?”
I smiled, slightly shaking my head, “Some say love is just a crap shoot. I’d say it’s about recognizing and trusting your own feelings and your ability to emotionally empathize with your partner’s feelings. This may not be the greatest advice, but I think it will serve for starters. If Frank cannot agree to disagree on your differing views, this belies a lack of respect and I’d suggest you may wish to look for someone who respects your emotions—no matter if you’re still only a romantic teenager.”
Erin laughed again as she turned, head held high, and walked back to the gathering.
*
This blog was co-published with PsychResilience.com
