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Confidence
Wrestling With Self-Doubt?
4 simple steps to boost confidence, courage, and momentum.
Posted July 24, 2023 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- Self-doubt shows up for all of us at times.
- Rather than fight against self-doubt, we can use naturally occurring ego states to our advantage.
- The more genuine we are, the less energy we expend on covering up our self-perceived flaws.
Whenever I overhear my husband chatting on the phone, I can, with close to 100 percent accuracy, determine who is on the other end of the line. After 25 years, I know him well enough to recognize tone and colorful lexicon, who receives formal language, and who warrants the more familiar, testosterone-infused, yeah, man. And though, as a therapist, I am trained to be tuned in to word choice, intonation, and inflection, this ability is not unique to me, nor is the switching up of changeable personas unique to my husband. This identity fluctuation does not mean he is disingenuous or purposefully altering his character. Rather, his modification in personality, common to us all, can be explained by what psychologists refer to as ego states.
Ego states are a related pattern of feelings, thoughts, experiences, and behaviors from either childhood or adulthood that, combined, affect our current interactions and perceptions. To simplify, for example, how I am around my 11-year-old differs from how I relate to a client in therapy or when out with my friends. Though I am completely authentic in each scenario, I may act more silly, playful, serious, or laid-back, depending on the situation and with whom I am interacting. We all, to some degree, alter our personalities automatically and unconsciously. Adapting to suit the needs and nuances of each relationship, as long as it originates from a genuine place, enables us to connect and communicate efficiently.
Imposter Syndrome
In some ego states, we feel at ease and full of confidence, while in others we suffer from what is called the imposter syndrome, a psychological term for the experience of self-doubt in a particular situation. The imposter syndrome is triggered by uncertainty, new experiences, and doubts regarding our competence. In case you thought it was just you, that there exists a well-established psychological nomenclature proves its universality. The imposter syndrome includes that convincing voice in our head declaring that we are out of our league, that we have no idea what we are doing, or that if someone finds out how incompetent and clueless we really are, we will be fired on the spot. These exaggeratedly pessimistic thoughts naturally engender worry, fear, anxiety, and paralysis, which is precisely why it is crucial we notice their arrival. If we are inattentive to the potential power of the imposter syndrome, self-doubt and shame are perpetuated, inevitably stunting our abilities and growth.
When we are aware of which ego state embodies confidence and empowerment, however, we can use this to our advantage and apply these skills to areas in which we do not feel so self-assured. By mentally transferring positive attributes from one area of our lives to another, we borrow from the familiar personality strengths in one ego state to shore up our confidence in another when that mischievous little imposter syndrome shows up.
For example, you might be fearless in your personal life when standing up for yourself with your partner but struggle with assertiveness at work. Likewise, I work with clients who feel self-assured and at the top of their game at the office but dissolve into a disorganized, insecure mess on the home front. My own comfort zone, or ego state, is in one-on-one interactions with others. I feel confident and at ease when working individually with clients. Though I am continually growing and am certainly imperfect, I am also compassionate, seasoned, and possess a wealth of information. My public-speaking ego state, on the other hand, is not so self-assured.
The ego states mindful break allows us to transfer our skills from our comfort zone in order to lessen the uneasiness and insecurity in an undesirable ego state. In practice, I can borrow some of that treasured confidence from my therapist ego state when commanding center stage. As in a session, I focus on just one person at a time and speak directly to her. This not only serves to remind me of our shared experience dealing with stress and overwhelm but also brings me back into my comfort zone—that ego state of one-on-one. This is not a cure-all quick fix, though it is a welcome respite from that persistent, naysaying imposter and provides a shot of reassurance, to boot.
Self-doubt can serve us well by galvanizing us to take a genuine look at the underpinnings of our insecurities. Perhaps we improve our knowledge and abilities; maybe we identify a few concrete ways in which we can enhance our confidence with additional training or experience. To gain public speaking experience and self-confidence, for instance, I may join Toastmasters, read up on the topic, or hire a speaking coach.
It is important to distinguish between culling true strengths from our confident ego states and pretending to be someone we are not. Transferring skills from one state to another is only effective if we are authentic in our interactions with others and honest with ourselves in fully owning our shortcomings. The more genuine we are, the less energy we expend on covering up our self-perceived flaws. Naming and owning the imposter not only frees up our precious energy for bigger and better things but also invites others to do the same. Creativity, innovation, and effort can then be freely spent on the work itself rather than exhaustedly wrestling with that old imposter in our head.
The Ego States Mindful Break
- Identify areas of your life or circumstances in which you feel most proud or self-assured. Here is where you will find your confident ego states.
- What are the specific strengths utilized in this ego state? Perhaps, as a friend, you are loyal, kind, and an especially good, nonjudgmental listener. At work, you might be organized, reliable, and highly regarded as the go-to person for complicated projects.
- Notice areas where the imposter syndrome arises: When called to perform specific tasks at work? When in conversation with someone in your personal life? When the self-doubt is triggered, take care to note the negative chatter as simply the imposter doing its thing—not allowing the critical thoughts to morph into unsubstantiated facts in your mind (which occurs far more often than we realize).
- Imagine transferring those strengths from your confident ego states into those that are lacking. Remember, if all of those ego states are pieces of you, they exist within you all the time and are there for the taking.
Excerpted from Don't Forget to Breathe: 5-Minute Mindfulness for Busy Women (The Experiment Publishing, 2022).
