Reliable Signals of Character

I would think how words go straight up in a thin line, quick and harmless, and how terribly doing goes along the earth, clinging to it, so that after a while the two lines are too far apart for the same person to straddle. –William Faulkner, As I Lay Dying

Source: Reinhard Hunger/Psychology Today

There exist a million variations on the idea that we should pay attention to the actions of others, rather than to their words. Faulkner's take is among the most lyrical—if also the most oblique. But human nature is oblique and paradoxical: Character permeates behavior, but can nevertheless be hard to discern.

Courage, kindness, compassion and loyalty are best judged when backed by risk-taking that is hard-to-fake or costly to the individual. Talk is cheap and cheapest of all on social media, where people endlessly signal adherence to a cause or party line. Words that are "quick and harmless," coupled with the posturing that constitutes so much of online life today, offer few clues to a person's true nature.

Tempting though it is, I'm not going to deconstruct virtue signaling. My interest is in reliable signals.

Look for small moments of "doing," not grand statements or gestures. Look for moments such as the August cover story, "Character's Turn," records. Is there concern for the impact of a decision on other people—and the ability to keep that variable in mind? Often, concern about others is subject to "ethical fading," and other pay-offs form the ultimate basis for a decision.

The most important paradox in this realm may be that character is often revealed only by its absence. It is in the violation of norms or expectations that we find a person's true mettle. I'm not advocating non-stop behavioral policing of others—that's no way to live, and an impossible standard to boot. I do, however, think one should brush up on the tactics of social predators, or as I like to suggest, take the class that is currently missing from high school curricula: "Emotional Sex Ed." Litigator Wendy Patrick wrote about some of these tactics recently in “The Stealthiest Predator." I wrote about them in "5 Things Narcissists and Psychopaths Will Do in Conversation."

But this month I am thinking about "tells" of a less dramatic sort. Most people are not characters in a Faulknerian saga, nor are they seriously flawed of character. The moments that define or shed light on most folks' characters are not that easily elicited. Such moments are serendipitous, and it is in part this random occurrence that makes them unfakeable and unforgettable.

This article is expanded from the Editor's Note in the August print edition of Psychology Today.