How to Help Your Teenage Son Combat Loneliness

During adolescence, there is a normal separation between teenage boys and their parents. Your once attached little boy is now off in his room, doing who knows what, and not telling you anything about his day. When he was younger, you tried to organize playdates and invited children your son’s age to tag along to fun activities. Parents frequently associate adolescence with our boys spending time away from us with friends, a loaded calendar with sports and social events, and carpooling him here and there when he needs a ride to meet up with buddies.

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Even before the pandemic, concerns about loneliness and mental health were becoming apparent. In a study published in 2021, Twenge et al found that between 2012 and 2018, loneliness among adolescents across the world tended to increase, which they attributed, in part, to the increase in smartphone use and potential social media exposure. Research on loneliness continues to grow as part of the public health and psychological literature, but how, in reality, can a parent determine if their son is lonely and, if so, what can they do about it? Here are five questions parents can answer about their sons when they are concerned about loneliness:

1. What were his past social experiences as a younger child?

If you want to determine whether your teenage son is lonely, you should first think about his past experiences. How you would describe his personality since he was little? Was he talkative then, enjoying being around other children? Or did he prefer more solitary activities, interacting only when he had to?

Adolescence brings out many changes in boys but if you want to determine if your son is lonely it can be more helpful to compare how he has behaved and seemed previously rather than compare to what you think he should be doing or what other boys his age are doing with their peers. You should also look at types of interactions beyond in person, as many boys play video games, for example, and interact with their friends online.

2. How is he behaving in general?

When adolescent boys are in distress, they might act out in a way that seems unusual for them. If a parent is concerned about loneliness in their son it would be helpful to get an idea of whether this concern is a result of something observable, like their son’s behavior. Are his grades dropping? Is he sleeping a lot or acting irritable around the house? Behavior change can indicate a number of difficulties but can give you a good idea of whether he might be lonely.

3. Is he a part of a community?

Teenage boys need to be involved in a community, and getting him involved can combat loneliness. This community might be a friend group but it also might be where you live. Endless opportunities for volunteering, whether in person or online, are available for adolescents, who might need that gentle nudge from their parents to do so. Helping those around him, in any capacity, creates involvement and can give him a sense of belonging.

4. What does he like to do?

If you think your son is lonely, try to find activities he enjoys and encourage more of them. Maybe he prefers solitary activities, like reading or watching movies. Maybe he has a unique interest, such as spelunking, that he is afraid to share with his peers. Take him to explore caves in your area and get him to teach you about it. Talk to your son about his interests and see if you can help him do more of the things he enjoys without being lonely in the process.

5. Does your son feel comfortable being himself?

Ultimately, the question of whether your son is lonely or not needs to be framed in the context of whether your son feels comfortable being himself as he moves into adulthood. If he is comfortable with who he is and who he is becoming, he will find his people. If he is uncomfortable, he may need help from you or a professional to focus on developing interests and community as he moves through adolescence.