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Today’s the day for new starts. New year, new decade. A lot of discussion surrounding new year’s resolutions focuses on unrealistic expectations and fear of failure. There is concern that people set themselves up to fail when they have resolutions but resolutions also give us a focus as we enter a new year and try to live that year with intention. Talking to my sons and my family about resolutions and helping clients set resolutions over the years, I've developed an approach that tends to focus on what's important but also to be specifically related to what you can do. An action plan for the year. I’ve been thinking about my resolutions in different categories of my own life and wanted to share my personal resolutions for parenting my teenage boys through 2020 that, as a psychologist, I would argue could be adopted by all of you parenting teenage boys.
1) Promote regular exercise.
There’s a reason exercise is a typical New Year’s resolution: it is crucial for physical health and mental health. For many teenage boys, sports are a natural way to incorporate exercise into their lives. Many boys, though, are not involved in or interested in sports so encouraging them to find ways to exercise can set up healthy habits that will help them manage stress and maintain physical health. The options for exercise are many so help your teenage son find an option that suits him. My sons have typically been interested in some sports but not others and this changes over the years, with one teenager quitting a sport but This year I will encourage movement and help my sons find a form of exercise that works for them.
2) Let him take some risks.
Limit-setting is an important part of raising kids. We want to keep them alive so we try to keep them as contained as we can. Once they become teenagers, though, we have to remember that even as adults we take risks and make mistakes so we have to be okay with our sons taking risks and making mistakes along the way. That is not to say I want him to do bad things but this year I will let my sons take some risks and trust that we are instilling them with values to help them make good decisions.
3) Spend time with him.
Time is precious and I want to spend time with my sons. But I also know that forcing them to be in the same room with me does not equate quality time so it is up to me to find activities that we can do together that are fun for us to do as a family. When I've worked with families of teenage boys or talked to other parents of teenage boys, they tend to say things like, "All he does is stay in his room and I don't know what he does all day." Parents seem shocked when I have recommended going into his room and asking what he is doing. I have learned a lot in the last year from listening to what my sons are interested in. This year I want to continue to learn from them, whether it is music or movies or hobbies or academic pursuits, and spend time getting to know their individual interests and doing activities that support these interests.
4) Keep communication lines open.
Getting a teenage son to talk can be tricky and sometimes futile. Teenagers need to communicate and connect with their parents but often this does not occur on our timetable. It’s important to be available for those moments when he does want to talk. We can do this by being present with our sons, being okay with the quiet, but responding to those moments of openness. This year I will remember that I cannot make my son talk to me, but I can let him know I am hear and keeping the lines of communication open and I will be here to listen.
5) Model healthy relationships.
As a parent, I am realistic and know that my sons learn more from what I do then what I say. I can tell my sons how to approach friendships or romantic relationships but they are much more likely to watch how my husband and I interact or how we are with friends to learn lessons about how to nurture relationship in their own lives. From time management to what we talk about, our sons are paying attention. This year I want to use my own relationships to provide a model for what healthy relationships look like in adulthood.
