Can We Help Our Sons Be Okay with Not Being Okay?

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Anxiety, stress, depression, burnout, and loneliness. We hear these words and immediately understand the pain and hurt they convey. Our first instinct might be to try to push them aside or make them go away. As a therapist, I try to help people acknowledge, deal with, and change these emotional states after they have recognized something is wrong.

As a parent raising teenage boys, I want to try to help my sons understand negative emotions and incorporate them into their own experience. That is not to say I want them to feel anxious or stressed or lonely. But I want them to know that having emotions involves positive and negative aspects, and it is okay to not be okay. Yes, there are times to call in a therapist but there are also many times when we can simply help our teenage sons navigate emotional turmoil. Giving them the tools now will help set them up as adults to cope with uncomfortable emotions. Here are five suggestions for helping teenage sons manage and accept negative emotions:

1. Give them an outlet. Teenage boys need something to do. When he is stressed or upset, your son needs an outlet or activity. The teenage years should be a time for exploration and figuring out one’s identity. Some kids take to that exploration easier than others and find a natural interest, such as playing a musical instrument, writing poetry, or playing sports. Other kids need more guidance but our teenage sons need to have some productive outlet in order to cope with negative feelings. As parents, it is our job to help him to find something that moves him (it is not our job to make that determination for him, just to provide guidance along the way).
2. Allow them to express themselves. As parents, we tend to try to squash negative emotions in our sons. No one really wants to see anger expressed through yelling or slamming doors but as long as no one is hurt, be okay with allowing your son to express himself. It can get loud and messy, but it can also be productive and help him set parameters for expressing himself, such as closing his bedroom door and listening to really loud music, but with headphones on. Find a way that works for your family for your son to be able to express himself when something is upsetting him.
3. Talk about the range of emotional experience. As two psychologists raising boys, we do a lot of talking about emotions in our house. For the most part, there is eye-rolling, but I also know that being open to talking about emotions since they were little has allowed at least one of our sons to come to us when he has felt stressed. Be the safe space where your son can talk about emotions when life gets tough (and be sure to celebrate the high points as well). Sometimes that involves putting your own discomfort aside but in order to keep negative emotions from becoming more prominent, it is important for our sons to have a space to talk about them.
4. Continue with the family routine. When one of our sons is hurting, the natural tendency as a parent is to stop everything until the problem can be solved. But when the problem is emotional pain, there is no quick fix. So sometimes you have to ride the wave but stay in the boat. Keep the family routine going. Yes, everyone still has to go to school. You still have to fulfill your obligations even if you are hurting. Just like in adulthood, sometimes you have to push through until the negative feelings subside. Maintain the schedule, unless those feelings turn into something you think you can no longer manage as a parent and then it is time to seek out a therapist for help.
5. Give them space. If you sense your son is having a hard time, back off. Go for a walk. Do something to distract yourself. But leave him alone. As parents of teenage boys, we have to recognize when it is time to allow him to go through something on his own. Part of raising teenage boys includes stepping back even when we want to hover. In order to set up good habits that will carry into adulthood, we must give our sons the space to experience life on their own, including the negative emotions that come with it. Leave them be and reassure yourself it is going to be okay.