Should I Worry When My Son Says He's Worried?

“Mom, I’m nervous.”

When teenage boys, who are not typically verbose, say the words that they are worried/nervous/anxious, parents tend to panic. Younger kids do not tend to talk much about identifying emotions and tend to use physical complaints to express how they are feeling. They may have butterflies or a stomach ache. As our sons move toward the teenage years, they will likely have some anxiety and, hopefully, start to talk about it. For some parents, the idea of our sons having any negative emotions is terrifying. We want to protect them. We want to immediately reassure them and tell them everything is fine. But we also need to recognize the vast nature of emotional experience and try to help them, and ourselves, be okay with some level of discomfort. Certainly if the level of anxiety he expresses causes such distress that it interferes with his day-to-day functioning, it is time to seek out help for managing it. But most of us, including our teenage sons, experience some level of anxiety and that is okay. Being okay with negative emotional states helps us accept them as part of life. It also helps reduce the stigma around mental health and allows us to talk more openly about anxiety. So when my teenage son tells me he is anxious, here is why I think that’s okay:

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1. Labeling that anxiety teaches him to identify his emotional experience. As a therapist, much of what I do is based on talking. I ask a lot of questions, even when answers are given, to try to further understand what someone is going through. With teenage boys as clients, “I don’t know” is often the answer I receive so I have to get creative to get boys to express themselves through words. In raising three boys, there has always been a lot of talking in the hope that they can better express themselves as they lumber towards adulthood. When my son says he’s anxious before a test or a game or after a fight with a friend, I consider that a good thing because it means he is able to put a word with his emotion. And there is value in simply being able to label how you feel.
2. Saying he’s anxious connects his mental self with his physical self. Anxiety has very real and identifiable physical manifestations. That’s because anxiety is linked with our sympathetic nervous system, which is also responsible for “fight or flight.” So when we get anxious, our heart starts pounding, we start breathing heavily, and we start sweating, just like we would if we were faced with being attacked by a bear. Understanding anxiety helps connect your mental state and your physical state because the two are related and intertwined. I want my sons to know that physical health and mental health are connected and the earlier in life they can identify emotions from physical responses, the better.
3. Being anxious means he cares about something. When boys move into adolescence apathy can be a concern. I see them shift focus and spend more time with their friends and perhaps less time on studying or other productive pursuits. But when one of my sons tells me he’s nervous about an upcoming test, I view that as a good sign. It means he cares about his performance. Some anxiety helps him prepare for challenges so that he is ready for action and shows he cares about the outcome.
4. He can start to develop healthy coping skills. All teenagers need to be able to develop healthy coping strategies that help them in times of stress. Saying he’s anxious gives teenage boys a chance to work through those negative emotions and figure out what they need, such as more sleep, exercise, being outside, listening to music, or developing an action plan. The earlier teenage boys can start to develop healthy coping in their lives the better it will serve them in adulthood.
5. Emotions are a good thing. I want my teenage sons to experience a range of emotions, good and bad, because emotions are an integral part of what makes us human. Yes, I would prefer if they spent more time having good emotions but I know it is important to not be afraid of emotions. Although I don’t expect them to express their emotions the same way I would, I want my teenage sons to have emotions and know what to do with them.