What Do I Say to My Sons About the College Scandal?

This college scandal involving celebrities and super wealthy families is all over the news and is shocking. As a mom with two teenage boys heading towards college applications and as a psychologist who does evaluations for kids with learning difficulties (who often need accommodations for testing/college), I have been thinking a lot about the situation. Parents cheating the system for their kids to get into a certain college, though, should not be too much of a surprise as many of us think it is our job as parents to do whatever we need to do to make sure our kids have the best opportunities possible. However, most of us also know that the “do anything” approach also has limits and we want our kids to think and do for themselves. As a psychologist, I think it is also important to consider this scandal in the context of the stress and pressure teenagers are under today. I think about the kids in the scandal who did not know what was being done and what the potential effect on their relationships with their parents might be. Kids have expectations for the world and learning that other people are not playing by the same rules you are can be difficult but it is also important for coping and maturity. I want to protect my own boys but I also want them to learn and grow into healthy happy adults. The more I thought about it, I centered on five lessons I want my own sons to learn as we talk about the scandal.

1. You can’t count on others to do the right thing but you can do the right thing.

As a parent, I want my boys to do the right thing. Even in the most difficult of circumstances my husband and I want them to be hardworking, to take care of themselves, and to care for other people. However, once kids move out of the egocentrism that we see during the early school-age years, they have to acknowledge that others do not see the world the same way they do. Our boys have to recognize that just because our ideal is for them to do the right thing it does not guarantee that others will operate the same way. As we all had our mothers tell us, “Just because they are doing it doesn’t mean you should.” Unfortunately, due to this scandal, we have to talk to our sons about how even adults don’t necessarily do the right thing.

2. Our job, as your parents, is to help you navigate into adulthood. Your job is to figure out where you are going.

Erik Erikson (1950) laid out developmental phases starting from birth and moving through adulthood. In adolescence, he argued, teenagers try to develop a sense of identity. This sense of identity is separate from what parents may choose for you and has to be determined by the individual, or else they face role confusion. As a parent, I want my sons to figure out on their own what their life path is going to be. Sometimes it is easier to let go than others, but it is important for my boys to know that it is not my job to determine where they are going. I’m just operating as a guide.

3. I can’t take credit for your accomplishments. But I will celebrate with you, just as I will cry with you in your defeat.

Of course, we all want our children to do well, but we have to recognize that we cannot do the work for them. As parents, it is important for us to separate from our children. I want my boys to feel a sense of pride in their own accomplishments, just as I do for my own. That being said, I recognize that my sons can succeed on their own and I have no claim to that other than celebrating with them. I will celebrate their victories and commiserate a loss.

4. Stress and pressure are inevitable. How to handle stress and make it more manageable yourself is a skill that is crucial in adulthood.

Clearly, stress is a huge part of the life of teenagers. The APA Stress in America Survey (2014) has repeatedly shown that teenagers experience stress much like adults. The college application process brings its own set of stress but teenagers need to develop the skills necessary to handle stress as it will only continue and may change as we get older. Stress has been discussed as a justification for the college admission scandal but it is important for teenagers to understand that they will have to deal with stress throughout their own lives and cannot allow parents to do that for them.

5. Focus on what you can control.

The college admission scandal has reinforced the idea that our kids can only control so much. As parents, there are some who try to take over and control more for their kids. But most of us rely on our kids to control what they can (how much they study, how they spend their free time, how to devote time to their interests). It is our job, as parents, to encourage our kids to control what they can and to focus on what they can control.

Source: Photo by picjumboDOTcom from Pexels

I think about lessons I want my sons to learn as the public discussion of the scandal continues. Changes in the admissions process may be made that affect them but I want them to know we will focus on their views for their own future and on protecting our relationship.