A Hot Tip for Staying Cool: Parent Like Your Kid Is Sick

As I walked through the door and said hello to my almost four-year-old son at the end of a long day, he announced, “Mama, I think I just got a sickness.” When I bent down to hug him and felt his warm forehead, I realized that his self-diagnosis was accurate. The poor little guy had a fever.

Even after the fever broke a day later, he was lethargic, achy, and disinterested in eating for the next few days. Quite understandably, he was also pretty grumpy. Most of the time, my presence was soothing to him. But when he was feeling his worst, the fact that I couldn’t make the discomfort go away made him annoyed with me, and I was kicked with little feet and pummeled with little fists as he tried to demonstrate just how miserable he felt.

I managed to stay calm and loving the whole time, although nothing else got done at home or work. Now, it would be wonderful if my kind behavior was no great surprise to me, but in fact, I was pretty darn impressed with how patient I managed to be. Normally, his outbursts would make me feel angry too, and a growing to-do list would make me feel resentful that all the time and attention I was giving him wasn’t enough to make him act right.

And it dawned on me, as I reflected on those four days of intensive caregiving, that I was able to dig deep and stay calm not just because my son was sick… but because knowing that he was sick also made me aware that he was really not able to control his own behavior right then, and that – perhaps more importantly, his misbehavior had absolutely nothing to do with me or how well I was parenting at the moment.

Most parents of toddlers will probably agree that extreme emotions are not just a defining feature of sick days, but a typical response to countless events that happen each and every day (e.g., being asked to eat bread that is toasted to not quite the right level of brownness or to wear pants that are not comfy enough). Young kids are not yet able to regulate their own emotions or think through all of the consequences of their behaviors. They often literally don’t know why they did whatever it was that they just did. And even when parents are being patient, carefully selecting stimulating activities, and coaxing kiddos into their clothes for the day with perfectly worded forced-choice questions, kids can act like jerks.

But often, we get hung up on how that jerky (but momentary) behavior reflects on them or reflects on us. Parenting a sick kid gave me a chance to free myself from worrying about WHY my son acted that way. I could just shrug it off and say, “he’s not feeling that well,” with a heart that really was full of sympathy.

And it made me wonder, what if I could parent that way every day? Childhood is a chronic condition. The development of the parts of the brain that regulate emotions take a loooong time to grow. What if, each time my son acted like a nut, I could simply say to myself, “he’s acting his age again...” or “there’s his childhood flaring up!” and move on with my day without blaming him or myself. How liberating would that be?

It turns out the answer is… very. For the past few weeks, I’ve tried to accept – if not embrace – moments of defiance or refusal as just as natural as the moments of excitement or joy that I experience with my son each day. I am glad that my little guy is healthy again, but grateful for the lesson I learned: parenting him with the empathy I have when he’s sick makes those flare-ups of his chronic condition (diagnosis: being a toddler) easier for us both to bear.

Great books to share when your child has a tough day:

I Love You All The Time by Jessica Elin Hirschman & Jennifer Elin Cole

Even though this board book is appropriate for very young children, we've continued to read it even as my son gets older. The refrain, “I love you all the time” is so comforting, and the short book helps your kids when they may doubt that sentiment (like when a parent is busy at work, saying no to a treat, out with friends, or angry about misbehavior) with a light touch. I find it very helpful to reference when my son is out of sorts.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst

This classic is as comforting to my son as it was to me as a little kid. It strikes the perfect balance by acknowledging all of the truly crummy, albeit minor, things that happen to Alexander one long day without minimizing how they make him feel… while also making kids realize that bad days are a normal part of life. It’s a quick read with great pictures, so your child can just listen, but it also allows for lots of conversation about his or her own experiences when the time is right.