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Key points
- Trying to let go of an upsetting experience is not always possible.
- Repressing emotions has been linked to a variety of negative health outcomes.
- Expressing ourselves is important to maintaining mental health.
"Can't go under it, can't go over it, we've got to go through it." — Michael Rosen, "We're Going on a Bear Hunt"
My face fell as I flipped through a journal. My anger at another person matched my irritation with myself for feeling such a way. I thought, "Why can't I just let this go?" But I knew why. I couldn't just let go because I care. As a therapist, I have seen the consequences individuals face after years of self-deception and pushing things away. Nothing truly goes away. So, once again, I wrote in my journal and sought to hear what my emotions had to say.
The Trouble With Letting Go
"Just let it go." Most of us have heard or said these words to ourselves or others. In American culture, giving ourselves time to grieve a loss or embody a sense of injustice is not always appreciated. Yet, when something matters to someone, "letting go" is not always possible. The attempt to get over something can further compound an injury, leaving us feeling both the original emotion and the guilt or disgust toward ourselves for feeling it.
We Don't Get to Choose How We Feel
I have learned that when it comes to the energy of emotions, nothing truly goes away without processing. Pushing away our pain can lead that pain to pop up again and again like a jack-in-the-box. It's not always in memories that it does so. Sometimes, the memories show up through nightmares.
Other times, the emotion becomes physical. Research has repeatedly suggested that repressed emotions can lead to increased stress and a variety of problematic health outcomes (Tyra et al., 2024). Even if we aren't consciously thinking about the subject that is bothering us, the distress can link with physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, and muscle tension in the short run. More serious issues, including heart-related pathology, can result in the long run.
Some may use substances to attempt to dull the dreams or manage the pain (both emotional and physical). Still, even here, some remnants of the suffering are present. In dulling the troubling things, we can also dull the joyful ones, leading us to be less in touch with our values and lives. In acceptance commitment therapy, the realization that we cannot make our internal experiences vanish, regardless of how much we want to, is called creative hopelessness (Twohig et al., 2020). Creative hopelessness is not about giving up, but about allowing ourselves the freedom to feel what we feel and participate fully in life.
Leaning In Instead of Letting Go
Reaching out to others in our communities is one alternative to letting go. Sometimes, we need to talk about something either openly or in confidence. Expression is a necessity for mental health.
Similarly, when we give ourselves permission to be present and show up for those around us, our contact with the present moment is enhanced.
I'll give an example here. This last week, floodwaters poured into my and some of my neighbors' yards and homes. Afterward, as we stood together on the street cursing, telling ironic jokes, and discussing subjects like who might share a trash dumpster, tears met solidarity.
Not all situations are as concrete as a flood. Yet, as social creatures, sharing openly without dismissing ourselves or others means a lot.
Defying Shame
Shame often leads us to believe we must be able to get over something. We might think we don't have the right to feel certain things, like anger, in a given situation. Similarly, we might judge others for their reactions.
Yet, this shame adds but another layer of problems. Shame can lead to isolation. Isolation has the potential to postpone healing. We can become disconnected from ourselves and others.
In dialectical behavioral therapy, there is a skill called “opposite action” (Dunkley, 2020). With this skill of opposite action, we evaluate if our reactions to an emotion fit the facts of that emotion and if those actions are helpful. If the emotion doesn't fit the facts or leads to urges that are not effective, we go opposite to it. With shame, this can mean sharing openly. Such is an act of courage.
Sometimes, this begins with talking about our feelings to a therapist.
In Closing
Emotions are tricky. Yet, trying to "let go" of our upsets makes us more upset. Instead, connection and expression are often necessary for healing.
References
Dunkley, C. (2020). Regulating Emotion the DBT Way: A Therapist's Guide to Opposite Action. Routledge.
Rosen, M. (2016). We’re going on a bear hunt. Walker Books.
Tyra, A. T., Fergus, T. A., & Ginty, A. T. (2024). Emotion suppression and acute physiological responses to stress in healthy populations: a quantitative review of experimental and correlational investigations. Health Psychology Review, 18(2), 396-420.
Twohig, M. P., Levin, M. E., & Ong, C. W. (2020). ACT in steps: A transdiagnostic manual for learning acceptance and commitment therapy. Oxford University Press, USA.
