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Key points
- Narratives can become restrictive when we wrap ourselves in self-limiting beliefs.
- Owning and sharing our stories in therapy and communities can be healing.
- Challenging self-limiting beliefs and working toward a self-as-context identity can be freeing.
Growing up in a small town, it felt like many knew me before they met me. Word gets around quickly, and reputation spreads. Labels follow — family names, what church you go to (if you go to the church), and who your siblings are. Yet I did not always see myself in the stories others told about me. Stories that I was 'crazy', 'troubled', and a 'problem child.'
As I worked through a journey of mental health recovery, this magnified. The stories I told myself about myself became like bars in a prison. Through therapy and my journey of self-discovery, I took apart that prison, faced my truth, and shared my story. As I spoke of my experiences of depression, isolation, restrictive treatment, therapy, healing, re-discovery, connection, and the drawing of a new start in public, my healing grew.
Bars in a Prison
Families, communities, and traumatic experiences often create stories for us. After an illness, some might find themselves playing out the 'patient' story. Others might fit into the 'bad kid' story. Yet labels such as these are limiting and cannot describe the whole person.
Over time, the self-limiting beliefs bent of these stories can become like bars in a prison. In acceptance and commitment therapy, we call this 'self-as-content.' It's a trap that leaves us stuck in the content of a role.
Who Owns Your Story
It can be especially troubling when someone's story feels written for them. Narratives are often imposed on us in families. To an extent, this is normal, we can not speak in the beginning, so others speak for us. As we grow, we become who we are. A story might be told among the family, for example, of a reckless teen who ruined everything when that story might not capture all there is. As that teen grows, this narrative can become poisonous. An adult looking back might recognize the signs of abuse in their past and youth whose needs went unnoticed.
It is critical to know that only you own your story. You see the eyes from your perspective and define your experiences. Your story is yours to tell.
Words are framed with connotations. For example, who is to say what is manipulative vs strategic? Particularly for a child? What marks the difference between a bossy nature and a sense of leadership? Words and the frames we place these in have power.
Deconstruction
Deconstructing a harmful narrative can be tricky. Writing one's story can be a start. In psychotherapies such as narrative therapy, the telling of one's story is key. This can be through spoken word, writing, or artistic means.
It's important to see what has been highlighted. In any story, we can spotlight varying facts that draw together differing images. Often, we focus most on what others have focused on. Deconstructing a narrative is about standing back and looking at the story as a whole.
Sometimes, deconstruction also involves recognizing deception. Especially in family stories, narratives are sometimes created to protect or demonize certain family members, while sacrificing truth. We pass these on and absorb their messages. In some cases, those ideas can become poisonous.
A New Story
The creation of a new story can be healing, including stories of the past, present, and future. When these stories are shared with others, for example, family or community members, the potential for validation is meaningful. Yet no one needs to validate your story but you.
Creating a new story also means identifying your sense of self beyond limiting labels. We are the people behind our eyes, free to experience and choose what matters to us. In acceptance and commitment therapy, this is called self-as context.
In all, this leads to stories of the future — determining the direction of our valued goals and forging forward, thereby creating a new story. This is freedom.
Story in Culture
In Western culture, we often share stories through art, music, writing, and conversation. These means of expression are powerful.
Beyond Western definitions of healing, stories are integrated into practices among many cultures. In his book, Coyote Wisdom: The Power of Story in Healing, Dr. Lewis Mehl-Madrona speaks to the beautiful use of stories in healing practices across cultures, with a particular focus on indigenous American cultures.
In Dr. Mehl-Madrona's words, he discusses both individual and community stories. Often, narrative work does not occur in solitary but within the company of a community. He speaks of the sacred native tradition of talking circles, a brilliant illustration of community healing.
In Conclusion
Narrative work offers an intricate process of redefining one's story, place in a community, and future. It is something that occurs in communities, in art, and therapy. We can all learn from it.
References
Lewis Mehl-Madrona. (2005). Coyote Wisdom: The Power of Story in Healing. Bear & Company.
