Verified by 
Key points
- The societal definition of grief can often feel very narrow. But we can grieve many things other than deaths.
- You may grieve things you choose to change, losses other than that of a person, or small losses.
- Even if others don't acknowledge or recognize your grief, it does not mean it's less valid.
Grief is a far-reaching, ordinary experience that comes and goes as we move through life. The better we understand that, the better equipped we are to meet the challenges of allowing ourselves to grieve when we need to. Here are four types of losses we mourn that nobody warned us would cause grief:
1. Grieving the things you chose to change.
- Leaving a job for a better one
- Leaving a community because it wasn’t meeting your needs
- Moving to a new country for a better opportunity
- Leaving a relationship when it feels like that’s the right move
Grief can occur even when you choose and expect a change or loss. Planned exits from relationships, jobs, or communities can elicit a grief response because, simply, the loss still occurred. We hold the idea that proactivity and choice should shield us from sadness.
But a loss is a loss, chosen or unexpected. Making this mourning process harder may be the people around you congratulating you on making a choice to move in a different direction. Many well-meaning friends and family members assume a chosen change is cause for celebration, failing to make space for the way that change feels.
2. Losing something other than a person.
- Losing one’s health or mobility
- Losing one’s life trajectory
- Losing one’s sense of self
Some function under the illusion that only the loss of a person should trigger a grief response. But as I’ve said many times, grief is not a response to death, it is a response to loss.
Losing conceptual things like one’s identity, sense of self, hope for the future, or health can trigger a sense of loss. This grief process involves a fundamental re-orientation around the monumental shift.
Making this sort of grief harder is the lack of rituals surrounding it. Grief for lost loved ones is accompanied by community and tradition. Grieving a lost identity or hoped-for future (as may happen after a divorce) can feel ungrounded and lonely by comparison.
3. “Small” losses that mean something bigger to you.
- A broken family heirloom
- A joke at your expense
- A new lost friendship
Every grief experience will not be the same size. Sometimes we take a moment or a day to mourn something lost that does not feel world-ending but does feel important.
A nephew smashes a cherished family bowl? You may mourn what that bowl meant to generations of the family, even if the item wasn’t expensive. A colleague moves away just as you were getting to know them better? You may mourn the lost potential friendship when friends are tough to make in adulthood. A family member comments on something sensitive after promising not to? You may mourn the lost sense of safety around that person that was just starting to rebuild.
The feeling that these instances are mere hiccups, not important in the scheme of things, may interfere with the healthy process of feeling one’s emotions. A person may hear others or even their own internal voice saying things like “Oh, that? You’re upset about that? That’s no big deal.” It may be a big deal for you. And the event may look deceptively insignificant but represent something much larger to you
4. Losses that are good choices.
- Leaving an abusive relationship
- Leaving a toxic workplace
- Leaving an abusive religious situation
Doing the right thing for your health and safety may be cause for celebration in the long term, but sometimes it means separating from something that was once deeply important or fundamental to your identity. It may take time to mourn a previously meaningful career, a once cherished religious community, or a relationship that once felt safe. In this case, the grief may be for what once was rather than its most recent iteration, but that is grief, nonetheless.
Need to Mourn? Go Ahead
If this or anything else outside of our culture's understanding causes wells of grief, honor it. Honor the reality that loss pervades our lives. These losses—be they big or small, concrete or abstract, chosen or forced, permanent or temporary—deserve acknowledgment and gentle caring as we work our way through them.
Facebook image: Xavier Lorenzo/Shutterstock
LinkedIn image: panitanphoto/Shutterstock
