The Trouble with Helicopter, Lawnmower, and Tiger Parents

If you're the type of person who clicks on a post like this, you're probably at least passingly familiar with the popular term "helicopter parenting." Think of lawnmower parenting as helicopter parenting on steroids. Amy Morin clarifies it succinctly here: "While helicopter parents are known for keeping a close eye on their kids' every move, lawnmower parents are paving the way." Similarly, so-called "tiger parents" (or a "tiger mother" specifically), a term made popular by Amy Chua in her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother [3], perceive desirable outcomes secondary to particularly strict parenting characterized by unwaveringly high standards of achievement.

But these terms aren't compliments. Both in the popular press and the research literature, helicopter, tiger, and lawnmower parenting are used pejoratively. Broadly, I will refer to these tactics as "over-parenting." So we're left with two questions: First, why do parents seem to increasingly engage in these and related tactics? And is this type of over-involved parenting really so bad?

Unfortunately, when it comes to asking why parents choose to be over-involved, even to the point of impeding their child's development, we should consider that psychology as a science struggles to answer "why" questions. The scientific method is great to study "how" and "what" questions, but we leave "why" to the philosophers. For example, if I asked 1,000 helicopter parents why they chose to use that parenting tactic, there would be wide variance in the content and transparency of the answers. This being said, I would hypothesize that a large portion of the explanation for over-involved parenting comes down to the simultaneous presence of both good intentions and a low sense of parental efficacy. For example, if a parent had a sense of low efficacy, but not good intentions, they might withdraw and not put much effort into parenting. Conversely, highly effective parents who also have good intentions are likely to rest assured in the consistent, supportive parenting they have provided their child thus far and allow him/her to develop autonomy at a developmentally normative pace.

Diving further into why over-involved parents exist and often defend their over-involvement, allow me to say something controversial: Since there is no logically sound explanation for a completely selfless act (see: Does True Altruism Exist?; e.g., even when you selflessly give money to charity, you are doing so because your personal value of generosity is more important to you than having that money is), parental over-involvement must have internally motivated roots. I'm not saying there is no such thing as a good act—that's not my field (please don't yell at me, philosophers and theologians). I propose that the internal motivation for over-involved parenting is that each hyper-involved parenting decision and behavior decreases the parent's sensations of anxiety. Then, the parent is rewarded (to use behaviorism terms) by the short-term outcome, which is perceived to be a net positive.

Hypothetical order of events:

1. Notice sensations of anxiety.
2. Determine the source (perhaps accurately, perhaps not) to be my child's well-being (broadly defined).
3. Consult a mental list of perceived barriers to my child's well-being, performance, or future.
4. Target and attempt to remove the barrier (e.g., send an email to my child's fourth-grade teacher requesting that he be allowed to retake a math test because he was at a soccer tournament and didn't have time to study).
5. Teacher (reluctantly) accepts and allows my son to retake the test. He gets an A.
6. I reflect and recognize that my involvement in my son's academics was vital. After all, his math grade will determine whether he gets placed in honors math next year, which of course will affect middle school standing, AP classes, candidacy for valedictorian, college options, future career, and overall life satisfaction! (Sarcasm.)
7. I realize he may not have been able to succeed without me. My role is important. Better be on the lookout for another opportunity to help.
8. Sensations of anxiety decrease now that I see my son doing better in school. Likelihood of over-parenting again in the future increases.

Of course, this is just one example. The same order of events could apply to the father who keeps switching his son's Little League baseball team until he finds a coach who will play him every inning. Or the mother who calls the mother of her daughter's best friend to help sort through a friendship squabble.

Research shows that parental desire to prevent their children from making the same mistakes they feel they've made, as well as the experience of a deeply-felt regret about personal life decisions, both play an important role in statistically predicting over-involved parenting tactics [7]. A read of this article further emphasizes: Helicopter parents aren't bad people. They're trying to give their children everything. But in doing so, they take away one of the most important things: the environment necessary to thrive and individuate.

Whether or not that explanation satisfies your curiosity about why over-parenting takes place, the second question — Is over-parenting really so bad? — has a pretty straightforward answer as far as the research is concerned: Yes. Helicopter parenting is associated with: poor self-regulation skills in Kindergartners [6]; a critical family environment and family problems for older children [9]; lower self-efficacy beliefs, worse communication skills, and a harder time trusting friends in college [10]; lower sense of agency, less social competence, less self-regulation skills, and more depression in young adults [5]; maladaptive responses in workplace scenarios [1]; and even poorer teacher performance and unfair treatment of students in public school [2].

Moving forward, two important considerations are: Where do we draw the line between appropriate parenting and over-parenting? And, what can be done to prevent over-parenting?

In 2012, Chris Segrin developed and validated an over-parenting measure consisting of 39 questions targeting parents' tendency to over-direct and get over-involved with their children [8]. For example, Question 2: "If I can see that my child is about to have some difficulty, I will intervene to take care of the situation before things get difficult for him/her" and Question 29 (which is reverse-scored): "I believe that my child will benefit most in the long run by working through problems on his/her own." Therefore, some empirical work has focused on determining exactly what over-parenting looks like. In terms of what should be done to prevent it, that responsibility lies largely within the parent him or herself. While I would encourage teachers, coaches, and other caretakers to stand up to parents as much as possible, I recognize this is often an impossible task.

Parenting Essential Reads

Why Is It So Hard for Parents to Apologize to Their Kids?

Why Talking To Your Child Matters, and 5 Ways to Do It

If you're a parent reading this and might be worried about being a helicopter yourself, let me offer this encouragement: You are only hovering above your child because of how deeply care for them. However, it may be time, especially as they get older, to learn new ways to show your love. Next time they approach a barrier, resist the urge to pick up your phone and instead practice showing them how deeply you believe in their ability to resolve the situation on their own (even if you do feel a little doubt). After all, you'll always be there as a backup.