Is Getting Back Together With an Ex a Good Idea?

[Spoiler alert] This article contains information about the latest episodes of Ted Lasso Season 2.

Researchers have several names for it: relationship cycling, relationship churning, on-again/off-again relationships. It all boils down to the same idea – sometimes you break up with a partner, and then you get back together hours, weeks, or years later. The question is, does it work? Is it a good idea? Research suggests that most of the time, the answer is “No.”

In Season 2, Episode 10 of Ted Lasso, the character Keely Jones is faced with getting back together with her former partner, Jamie, or staying with her current partner, Roy. At a funeral, Jamie professes his love for Keely and credits her for his growth as a person. Then moments later, Roy apologizes for a day of snarky remarks and says he loves Keely (presumably for the first time). She looks overwhelmed – wouldn’t we all? Should she get back together with Jamie? Below are five research-based findings that might help inform her decision (or yours).

1. Couples that break up and get back together have higher rates of conflict, including serious disputes involving physical and verbal abuse.
2. Breaking up and getting back together is related to increased psychological distress, especially when partners create a pattern of breaking up and getting back together over and over again.
3. The more times you break up and get back together, the less dedicated you are to your partner and the more uncertainty you feel about the relationship’s future.
4. Let’s imagine that Keely and Jamie reunite and end up married. Things still don’t look good for them. When partners break up and get back together before marriage, it negatively impacts the quality of their marriages (more conflict and uncertainty, less closeness and satisfaction).
5. Research participants report that getting back together with their former partners has significant drawbacks (doubt, disappointment, emotional frustration, uncertainty about the status of the relationship, ambivalence, and unbalanced expectations). The same participants also noted some advantages (e.g., improving relationships and increasing partner appreciation).

We still need more research that helps identify when couples are more likely to experience the disadvantages vs. the advantages of breaking up and reuniting. Still, both science and intuition suggest it might have something to do with why the couple broke up in the first place.

For example, Keely and Jamie broke up because he lacked accountability for his actions, which were often self-serving and disrespectful to Keely. He brought a second date to an event he attended with his girlfriend.

On the other hand, Rebecca asked for some time away from Sam to better understand what makes her afraid of love and to become a more vital partner for him or someone else. We don’t have research yet about how or why the reasons for break up the matter, but we know that they do.

People are more likely to get back together with a former partner when they feel like their romantic alternatives are not good. Keely has what looks like a loving and satisfying relationship with Roy, and this makes it less likely she will get back together with Jamie than if she was single.

There are times when a breakup can bring clarity about what you want in a partner, and coming back together is a good choice. However, in most circumstances, once you break up with a partner, your outcomes are better if you move on instead of cycling back to them.