Helping Disengaged Youth Through the Power of Community

This is Part Two of a series. You can read Part One here.

Most students are not troublemakers, at least in my experience. Between 2020 and 2022, they endured a quarantine, masks at school, social distancing, and mental health challenges with relatively few incidents in most school districts. Recently, however, students have boldly disrupted the campus. One high school student, Heidi, is an illustration.

She exploded one afternoon in her school lunchroom. A teacher had encouraged her to wear appropriate attire for days, but Heidi was a rebel who continued to assert that her clothes, tattoos, and piercings were part of her identity. When faculty reiterated the dress code and asked why she was so belligerent, she screamed at them as if they had assaulted her. In fact, she began cursing at them and insisting they had no right to tell her what to wear or what to do.

Where did Heidi get this idea?

Probably from her parents, neighbors, peers and community. You see, our culture today has worked hard to send the message to students that they are special, unique individuals, and they should not let anyone take that away from them. They have rights: civil rights, children's rights, and human rights. It’s true. So far, we all agree. This message has been blasted and posted everywhere in response to unhealthy cultural norms of the past. For decades, maybe centuries, society sent the message for kids and adults to simply blend in, follow the rules, not make waves and be like everyone else. It wasn’t very inspiring. Nobody likes that message.

My concern is, we’ve swung the pendulum so far in the other direction that we’ve created a huge problem.

Symptoms of How People View Humanity’s Social Contract

Believe it or not, this youth pendulum has swung back and forth for thousands of years. Socrates believed youth in his day were “rebellious and disrespectful to parents.” He used the argument of the social contract as he explained to Crito why he should remain in prison, and not escape. However, a full treatment of the “social contract theory” emerged during the enlightenment with Thomas Hobbes, and later John Locke. Everyone has the right to reject or embrace humanity’s social contract, and most people find their answer somewhere in the middle. Yet, while a person who rejects this notion can survive, the returns they’d gain from a larger community diminish. When a person leans away from it, they remove the incentive for others to lean in. Compare the realities in the two columns below.

Reject the Social Contract Embrace the Social Contract

I play by my own rules/I play by the rules of a larger community

I find it difficult to express gratitude/I find it natural to express gratitude

I demand others to respect my wishes/I make sacrifices on behalf of others

I rarely express regret or apologies/I often apologize and seek forgiveness

I live a bit as a loner, a maverick/I enjoy unexpected support from others

I don’t often admit I am wrong/I often acknowledge my faults

It is challenging for me to compromise/It is natural for me to compromise

As I typed these two columns, I asked myself: Which side do I exhibit most? How about you?

Once again, the answer is likely in the middle. Depending on one’s temperament, we find ourselves both in need of the support of others and in need of staying true to ourselves. We must find a compromise. To completely live outside the social contract is to live as a hermit. To completely surrender to everyone else’s wishes is to live as a doormat. We all need boundaries, but where those boundaries lie depends on where we stand on this issue. Some need support or validation more than the average person, and some need it less.

But we all tend to reap what we sow.

I know of a woman who raised four children. They are now young professionals. She was not a bad mother, but along the way, she chose not to make many of the sacrifices that moms tend to make for their kids. She was busy working, often tired and somewhat demanding. At times, she seemed unable to show empathy for the emotional needs her offspring had over the years. She was unavailable. Now in her sixties, she’s reaping the outcomes of this lifestyle. Her adult children love her, but when she requests special attention on her birthday, her kids aren’t very motivated to show it. To her, they now seem unavailable. When someone models a “bare minimum” mindset, it’s often reciprocated. Life is like an echo. What we’ve shouted is shouted back. Life is like a garden. What blooms is what we have planted. When we refuse to engage in the responsibilities of humanity’s social contract, we won’t enjoy the rewards.

Ideas to Teach Kids the Social Contract

1. Teach them there is such a thing as “duty.”

For all that we “want to do” there will be some “ought to do” activities we should embrace.

2. Help them see the larger benefits of belonging.

When we’re selfish, we usually lose more than we gain. Clarify the gains of a community.

3. Ask them: If everyone lived the way you want to, what kind of world would we have?

When selfish moods arise, imagine the world if all of us lived this way all the time. Discuss it.

4. Show them the best life is one of support and accountability.

As you age, retain communities of support and accountability. This deepens our happiness.