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Few life events are as stressful as a divorce, especially when conflict runs high and the kids are watching.
Whether you’re seeking co-parenting counseling because it’s mandated by the family court judge, a mediator, or because you and your ex decided mutually, choosing the right therapist is essential. As a co-parenting counselor whose job sometimes includes undoing the psychological damage caused by inexperienced, non-informed therapists, I am passionate about setting the record straight.
The best clients take responsibility for their treatment. Before embarking on your search, I recommend conducting thorough research. Therapists come with different educational backgrounds, different training, different degrees, and different licenses.
Here are eight questions to ask before you cross the co-parenting clinical threshold.
1. Ask yourself, “What am I hoping to gain from this intervention?” Understanding your "why" is imperative.
Why this matters: Many well-intentioned, but misguided individuals resort to new levels of breaking bad post-divorce. As mentioned in this article, sometimes the family court system increases the very hostility and contention it is designed to ameliorate. You may feel worse for the wear, and fear that no one gets your situation. I get it. Many clients try and warn me about how their ex manages to manipulate everyone in their wake. Rest assured, a seasoned, well-trained clinician spots narcissism as deftly as a predator picks off the injured herd member. Hopefully, your "why" includes understanding why your ex feels and thinks the way they do, instead of trying to convince the counselor why you’re right.
2. What is your experience working with a high-conflict divorce, contentious co-parents and parental alienation?
Why this matters: When dealing with alienation, an experienced clinician understands the subtle ways a vulnerable mind is brainwashed and recognizes when perceived parental hatred is a direct result of a manipulative parent. An expert will not assume the child “needs a break,” and or suggest a let’s “wait-and-see attitude,” in the absence of abuse. An experienced clinician seeks out the input of both parents and does not get lost in the he-said-she-said rollercoaster because children deserve a relationship with both parents.
3. How familiar are you with the court culture (insert: your city, county, state)?
Why this matters: Just as it’s up to you to perform due diligence, your therapist should be educated on the ways of the family court system, too. This following sentence is the hardest to write, but filicide happens. Tragedies may inform how your judge triages the cases in front of him/her, as well as how s/he considers social issues, and the local and national climate around parental rights.
4. Do you communicate with attorneys, mediators, guardians ad litem and child therapists?
Why this matters: Divorce is big business, no doubt. You may find yourself dealing with multiple professionals who may, or may not, have your children’s best interests at heart. In a perfect world, collaboration is king; unfortunately, egos, schedules, and your ex’s contrary behavior can get in the way. As a professional courtesy, and to move my clients along, I reach out to other professionals involved and ask for a brief phone conversation, as necessary. Keeping my clients out of court is a goal (unless otherwise stated), and ethical professionals recognize the sooner parents can make informed decisions on their own, the better.
5. What is your office policy regarding the first session? Do we each have an individual session, or do we come in together?
Why this matters: Physical and psychological safety for both parties is critical. An absence of a police report doesn't always negate the presence of domestic violence during the marriage. Additionally, males can feel increased stigma for contacting law enforcement when arguments escalate to physical aggression. Help your therapist by addressing any reservations you may have about meeting as a duo right off the bat. If no safety concerns exist, best practices indicate each of you will have one, possibly two, individual session(s) and then the collateral meetings begin.
6. What happens when one party refuses to budge on an issue? Can you share a hypothetical strategy for dealing with an impasse?
Why this matters: Uniquely qualified therapists recognize when a party is holding on to righteousness for the sake of being contrary. Additionally, a seasoned clinician can rattle off a host of hypotheticals to ease your worried mind and let you know that you’re not alone. Alas, we are not miracle workers and returning to family court is always an option.
7. In terms of co-parenting communication, is there a platform or a schedule you recommend?
Why this matters: If the counselor understands the critical case for boundaries and the availability of third-party co-parenting apps, "clear and direct" make the cut. Also, key elements for reducing conflict and accusatory, hostile email can include creating a schedule for when parents will (and will not) communicate and establishing firm rules for handling non-emergency matters. This article highlights healthy communication strategies.
8. How do you handle narcissism, sociopathy, addiction, and reliance on family members to perpetuate conflict?
Why this matters: Insidiousness is the name of the alienation game. Further complicating matters is how entanglement in the system erodes trust and logic. Often, deciphering who drives conflict can be a challenge for the therapist.
While one party can unilaterally drive contention, as a general rule, it’s a two-way street. But not in the clinical presentation one may think. One parent may utilize controlling tactics all the while, appearing cool, calm and collected. On the contrary, the effect of the emotionally charged parent may be due to feeling marginalized and manipulated, and not necessarily representative of dysregulation.
Addiction can be a slippery slope to prove, especially as self-medication may increase in the presence of lengthy court proceedings. Be that as it may, err on the side of caution if you believe your ex-partner has a substance use problem. Regarding the use of family members to stir the pot, there’s a reason the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) cites the penal code for knowingly making false allegations when calling its hotline to report suspected child abuse.
Choosing the right therapist can help you and your kid(s) navigate the maze of high-conflict divorce and contentious co-parenting. If you're just starting your journey, ask people in your inner circle for references, or visit a therapist directory such as PsychologyToday.com. Narrow your search terms to include clinicians who specialize in "personality disorders," "alienation," "divorce," and "co-parenting."
Lastly, take care of yourself. Keep working your calm plan, relaxation routine, and mindfulness-based practices every day. Focus on what’s going well in your life, and have an identity outside of co-parent. The good news is studies show children of divorce can thrive emotionally with the support of one stable, loving adult.
Copyright 2019 Linda Esposito, LCSW. All Rights Reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means without permission in writing from the author.
References
For more information on co-parenting without chaos, click here.
