The Power of Creating Connections

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“I can’t thank you enough for your reply and your willingness to help.”

“Thank you for being so kind."

This is the feedback I received from people I thought I had disappointed. They reached out to inquire about psychotherapy when my packed schedule didn’t permit me to accept new clients.

It turns out that what I provided instead also had a meaningful impact: Validation of their struggles and suggestions for finding support, including contact information of other professionals who might have a greater capacity to help.

I still feel anxious about saying “No” when someone is asking for my help, whether this be a therapy referral I can’t accommodate or a student seeking an internship I’m not prepared to supervise. Responding to their outreach can feel daunting. What if I cave in and take on more work than I’m comfortable with? What if they are distressed or angry with me?

Let me explain why such interactions are largely positive, as well as how to make them as meaningful as possible.

When you can’t help someone in the way they are asking for, it can feel tempting to avoid responding at all. This might explain why help-seekers have told me that their outreach efforts to other professionals went unanswered. I don’t fault non-responders, as I’ve certainly dropped the ball on more than one occasion. Therapists juggle multiple jobs and families, and our days are already overflowing with emails and phone calls.

Also, what if a recommendation doesn’t work out for one reason or another?

The unfortunate consequence is that we hold back from helping even when we want to. This finding speaks to the perfectionistic mentality that Thomas Curran, author of The Perfection Trap, has referred to as a “hidden epidemic” of modern society.

The key here is that we need to embrace our imperfect capacity to help.

We need to recognize that the warmth of the act matters more than its size. As discussed in an April 2023 episode of the podcast Hidden Brain, research has shown that givers tend to underestimate the impact that small acts of kindness, such as a phone call, have on the receiver.

Even when I fear disappointing others, I also value allowing them to feel seen, and this motivates me to dive into returning their phone calls and emails. It’s difficult for me to reconcile knowing the detrimental impact of being ignored. I’m also motivated by the good feeling I get from the gratitude and hope people express in response to my efforts.

The great news is that everyone is capable of fostering connections, whether it be in a professional context or one that is more casual, such as recommending a dentist to your neighbor.

Experience has shown me that three factors play a role in boosting the effectiveness of making connections:

Creativity

Recently, a former student shared that my child psychology course inspired her to pursue a career in elementary education. She emailed me asking, “Do you know of any internships or job opportunities for aspiring elementary school teachers?

I didn’t. But as I was reading her email, I happened to be waiting for my son’s school bus. When I glanced across the street, I remembered that our neighbor teaches at an elementary school close to the university where I work. By creatively linking my student’s needs with my neighbor’s background, I was able to connect my student with a valuable resource.

Being creative has also helped people find high-quality, affordable psychotherapy. For instance, there are university-based clinics where advanced graduate students provide supervised therapy to the community on a sliding scale.

Curiosity

Fostering connections has motivated me to stay curious about the work of other psychologists and mental health providers. I show curiosity by talking with faculty about their research and asking whether they need student assistants or by taking notes on mental health providers’ practices (e.g., whether they take insurance and what kind of interventions they provide). Some of these professionals have generously shared their own lists of resources with me. In addition to helping others, these exchanges have helped me feel more connected with colleagues.

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Compassion

Compassion is another asset that everyone is capable of sharing. Even if it is only for the duration of one phone call or a couple of brief email exchanges, your compassion allows the person’s struggles to be acknowledged.

Showing compassion in small ways benefits the giver as well. For example, it quells what psychology author Adam Grant refers to as “empathic distress,” the toll of hurting others while being unable to help. Grant cites research showing that one antidote to the discomfort of not being able to fix the world’s problems is offering comfort and support to the people in your network who are affected by them.

Conclusion: Focus on Purpose Over Productivity and Profit

In our productivity and profit-obsessed world, it can be hard to get past the hurdles of perfectionism. However, being willing to share our time, as well as our compassion, creativity, and curiosity, can help fill the emotional void that pains our lonely modern society.