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Hi, I'm <insert name here> and I'm an <insert demeaning label society has thrust upon you>.
Aside from the stories you decide to share in a particular meeting, everything else about your identity will stay anonymous. You won't fear that others in the group will call your mom and explain what a wreck you are. Or that they'll FaceTime your boss and spill the beans prompting a job loss. Or hop on a Zoom with your spouse and convince them to run for the hills. Your secret is safe here. Right?
Not exactly.
When we keep our addiction or mental health struggles a secret, our internal shame intensifies. As Dr. John Kelly, a noted addiction expert says, "People who feel more stigmatized are less likely to seek treatment, even if they have the same level of addiction severity," and that "they're also more likely to drop out of treatment if they feel stigmatized and ashamed."
And as medical professionals, we are doing people in recovery an extreme disservice by insisting that those we are treating have something to be ashamed of.
Why is anonymity a problem?
As Kristen Bell so wisely said, "Everybody is up against their own demons. Sometimes it's anxiety and depression. Sometimes it’s substance abuse." We all struggle. Every single one of us.
And there are all kinds of struggles.
Take ACEs, for example. ACEs stand for Adverse Childhood Experiences (think bad stuff that happened to you when you were young) and the more you have the more likely you are to develop an addiction later in life. In fact, people with an ACE score of 5+ are up to ten times more likely to experience addiction. In the US, 60% of adults have experienced at least one traumatic event in their childhood and 25% have experienced at least three.
So... Should those who have more ACEs than they can count be shamed because they went on to develop an addiction? Are they supposed to be told to hide and stay anonymous as proof that there is something wrong with them? More importantly, does that shame harm or help? Are we offering a solution by encouraging anonymity or compounding the problem?
Anonymity is a relic of old times
The old idea of hiding in shame from the "normal" public for fear of persecution, ridicule or simple embarrassment has actually exacerbated the possibility of individuals suffering those fates. When you stand up and proudly announce your ongoing efforts to battle, and win, against your demons, you allow those close to you into the reality that is your life.
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” - Brenee Brown
Sure, living out in the open means you may publicly slip and fall... but the message that doing so is somehow a signal that there is something wrong with you is exactly the reason why we need to eliminate the practice.
Here are some examples of people who have opened up about their struggles and the impact it’s had:
1. Dax Shepard and wife Kristen Bell have been publicly open about their struggles with mental health and addiction for a while now. Dax Shepard recently shared his opioid relapse publicly while his wife often talks about her struggles with depression, anxiety, and the shame around keeping it a secret. "I want people to hear it's not a big deal and that you can be happy and healthy and no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” They are both committed to being radically transparent about their struggles because they hope to help others who struggle with similar problems.
2. Adi and Sophie Jaffe: My wife and I have been radically transparent about my meth addiction, our fidelity (connected to what many might call sex addiction), and every other struggle we’ve had along the way on our podcast. After I overcame meth addiction, I found myself struggling with sex addiction and compulsion a decade later. You see, though I was in "recovery," I hadn’t dealt with the underlying issues related to intimacy and connection/self-worth. Luckily, my wife committed to staying by my side and we nurtured a radical transparency policy. Her support gave me the foundation and security I needed to get to the root causes of my intimacy issues. By sharing our issues with our podcast listeners, we hope to inspire others to have tough conversations and be radically transparent about their own addictions and mental health issues.
3. Demi Lovato: Lovato has always been outspoken about her years of substance abuse, eating disorders, and drinking which stemmed from being bullied in high school. Last year, she was on the Ellen show and said, “I think it's important that I sit here on this stage and tell you at home, or you in the audience, or you right here, that if you do go through this — you, yourself, can get through it. You can get to the other side. It may be bumpy, but you are a 10 out of 10, don't forget it." It’s hard to say what the impact her transparency has had on the world, but one thing is clear, her 93.2 million Instagram followers are all ears. Every post that addresses her struggles reduces the overall stigma and shame surrounding mental health and addiction and encourages her young audience to speak up. According to data released by the CDC, the rate of death by suicide in people from 10 to 24 years old increased over the period from 2000 to 2017. Suicide is now one of the leading causes of death for all Americans from 10 to 34 years old.
4. Elton John: Elton John began snorting cocaine as a way to combat his shyness offstage, a habit that nearly cost him his life. Eventually, though, he decided he had to become sober, a journey sparked by his meeting with Ryan White, the American teenage hemophiliac who contracted HIV through a contaminated blood transfusion. Within six months of White’s death, Elton felt inspired to recover from his addictions and start the AIDS foundation, and he’s been sober ever since.
5. Demi Moore: Moore recently released a tell-all book about her life and the struggles she faced growing up. She also delved deep into her struggles with cocaine and other drugs. Moore says her ex-boyfriend, actor Ashton Kutcher, would encourage her to party but then shamed her if she took it to excess. Moore’s transparency has inspired her daughters to follow in her transparent footsteps. One of her daughters, Tallulah, is regularly radically transparent about her eating disorder, mental health struggles, and substance abuse on her Instagram.
Radical transparency needs to replace anonymity
Staying anonymous (the old paradigm) implies that you have something to hide or be ashamed of. Speaking up (or being radically transparent) is actually a sign of strength and speeds up healing because you can openly ask for the help you need. It also inspires those around you to do the same.
And radical transparency doesn't just pertain to those coming to terms with a struggle, it also goes for those who are already on the recovery bandwagon and have a slip-up, like Dax Shepard.
Now, let me be clear, radical transparency is not something to be forced on others (just as anonymity shouldn't be). Instead, by being radically transparent ourselves, we can serve as an example to others that there is nothing to be ashamed of about being imperfect.
Perfection and normality are lies anyway...
Conclusion: Ready to be radically transparent about your addiction or mental health struggle?
- Read a book, listen to a podcast, or watch a documentary about someone you admire who has struggled with the same issues as you and overcome them.
- Find someone you can trust and open up about your struggles whether it be a friend, a partner, or a therapist.
- Get involved in an organization that helps others who have similar struggles. Those who struggle often develop a great empathy for others — use that empathy for the greater good!
