Why Listening Is Powerful

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I was working at a grade school as a therapist a number of years ago and was talking with a second-grade student. At some point during the conversation, the student appeared confused and asked me, “Are you really interested in what I have to say?” At the time, this second grader was living in a large family with his aunt, uncle, brothers and sisters in the same household. His experience talking with adults had been mostly limited to having his behaviors corrected when he was doing something they didn’t like. Outside of that, he had very few extended conversations with the adults in his life.

I reassured him I was absolutely interested in what he had to say, and, over the next few months, this child’s willingness to communicate and share his thoughts expanded dramatically. By the end of our sessions, he had transformed himself from a shy, barely speaking child into someone who felt his voice mattered.

In addition to my work at the school, I have also had over a thousand therapy sessions with teenagers at in-patient adolescent treatment centers. One of the most common complaints these teens have is that their parents don’t listen to them. They feel dismissed and that how they feel about things is not even considered. With some of them, these feelings of disempowerment had led them to be very emotionally hurt and to feel their parents didn’t truly care about them or their feelings.

Feeling Powerless Can Lead to Poor Choices

Feeling powerless and that you don’t matter is a recipe for poor choices. It can lead to a myriad of destructive behaviors. These include, but are not limited to, self-medicating through drugs or alcohol, as well as feelings of despair and worthlessness that can lead to self-harming behaviors or suicide attempts.

Of course, children and teenagers need to be corrected when they behave inappropriately. However, there are ways to discuss these things that help a child know they are being listened to and not dismissed. Even if we do not give in to things we feel are detrimental to them, we can hear them out and let them know we understand their views. The goal is that they understand they are being heard even if they’re not getting what they want.

So much of parenting for past generations was that children were, “to be seen and not heard.” There was a lot of authoritarian child-rearing, where parents declared, “What I say goes,” or, “As long as you are under my roof I make the rules.” If you were raised in a household with that perspective, how did it make you feel? Did you feel that your thoughts mattered? Did you feel you had any say over choices in the household?

Helping People See Their Own Value

It’s important that children and the rest of us feel we have value and that our feelings mean something. Listening accomplishes this. Whether it’s the children, teens, or adults in your life, finding ways to truly listen to each other can make a world of difference in building self-esteem and causing relationships to thrive. If you’re married, truly listening to your partner’s concerns helps both of you. It helps you to feel heard and respected and it does the same for your partner.

For children, it helps to increase their self-esteem and their sense of empowerment. The bottom line is that, when people feel they matter and are taken seriously, it can help to develop higher self-esteem and belief in themselves. On the other hand, when they feel dismissed and that their views are not even considered, it can lead to feelings of disrespect and helplessness. The benefits of listening to those around us and actually hearing them and considering their needs can make our world a better place, both for our children and for ourselves.