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Adolescence
When You Can’t Reason With Your Teenager
What can be done when a teen’s emotional outbursts take control?
Posted April 10, 2021 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Teenagers can become emotionally overwhelmed, which can reduce their ability to act logically.
- Creating boundaries with teenagers is important, though not always easy.
- Often, adults must put aside their own hurt and wait for the teen's emotional outburst to subside before having a more productive talk.
Teenage emotions
We like to think that we choose the actions we take. When we are hungry, we may reach for food. When we are upset, we may lash out at the person who upset us.
However, often, when we are upset by something, our emotions may be doing the talking for us rather than our logic. When this happens, we are no longer making rational choices, but instead, we are emotionally lashing out without much thought for future consequences. How many times have we gotten upset and said something to our partner or a friend that we later felt badly about? How many times have we said hurtful things that we didn’t really mean and apologized later?
This is what happens when our emotions grab hold of us and compel us to express our hurt in potentially inappropriate ways. Clearly, this happens to everyone at times; however, it can be even more powerful in teenagers.
Teens are going through a lot of changes in their lives. This includes puberty, navigating an entirely new social structure, and at the same time being responsible for focusing on their education. With all of these changes, it’s not surprising they can become emotionally overwhelmed.
When teenagers are insecure, scared, or feel criticized, a certain defensiveness and anger can well up inside of them. This is usually hurt feelings or other frustrations that can turn into self-righteousness. Often this is accompanied by a feeling that they are not being treated fairly, and when they don’t get their way, they can explode into a rage.
This is why there is such an emotional intensity in many teenagers that can be combative and difficult to deal with for the adults in their lives. While some teenagers act out inappropriately toward authority figures, others emotionally shut down and withdraw. This can lead to depression and potentially dangerous behaviors, such as cutting and other self-harming situations. Whether the child acts out or withdraws, the bottom line is that teenagers can be very vulnerable to extreme emotions brought on by many factors in their lives.
As you have almost certainly realized, if you have teenagers in your household, when they are caught by their emotions, they can become highly focused on getting what they want and are not always open to a logical discussion. In fact, they can go the opposite way and argue their point of view quite illogically. If this is the case, you may try to reason with them; however, at that moment, they are only concerned with getting their way.
Being so firmly stuck in their emotions does not give them access to the logical side of their brain. At that moment, there is almost nothing that can be done to get through to them. They just have to be able to live within the limits that have been established in the household. They will most likely grumble and argue; however, hopefully, they will adhere to parental authority and live within the family’s boundaries.
It is this emotional overwhelm that contributes to why teens are often unable to partake in logical communication. They can be so overwhelmed by their emotions that all they care about is getting what they want at the moment. Unfortunately, this doesn’t leave a lot of room to reason with them.
The parent's role
Of course, in these scenarios, adults can also get caught up in their emotions and lose their tempers. In fact, you may find yourself emotionally escalating the more the child becomes defiant and argumentative. The key to circumventing this is to recognize your own agitation. When you start to become emotionally caught, then the conversation has very little chance of a positive outcome. In these cases, the best that can be done is to attempt to de-escalate the situation and put off the conversation until tempers have cooled and emotions have calmed down. When both of you are escalated, it’s very unlikely that there is going to be a meeting of the minds between you and your teenager.
After emotions have subsided regarding the situation, there will then be an opportunity to communicate with your teen in a more effective way. While you may bristle at the idea that teens are going to lash out inappropriately at times, it is a normal part of their emotional development. Establishing their own identities means sometimes clashing with the authority figures in their lives.
This means that as a matter of child development, it is unlikely you will be able to stop all of their outbursts. It’s just not always in their control to do so. As teenagers continue to mature, they will likely learn to be more effective at moderating their feelings.
It is important that we as adults understand that teenagers are extremely vulnerable to being taken over by their emotions and acting in ways that they know are inappropriate. While they can certainly work on these outbursts, we need to keep in mind that this is work that needs to be done after their extreme emotions have subsided. By understanding this, we can work with them when they are at their most receptive to establish boundaries of behavior and make things easier for both ourselves and our teens.
