The Role of Shame in Being Attracted to Narcissists

• Narcissists recognize who is likely to feel ashamed and then create situations that generate more shame for those individuals.
• Shame is an instrument of control for narcissists in relationships.
• Signs you're being shamed would include if your partner isolates you from friends and family and blames you for all negative events.

Shame is something that is very normal for anyone to feel and experience throughout life. Shame is different than regret or sadness due to the root cause of the emotion. Unlike an accident or an oversight that resulted in some type of harm to another, shame is a result of conscious action and a way of seeing yourself as a "bad" person.

People who feel shame are evaluating themselves and seeing their errors as a defining part of their being. This is often reinforced by messages and information received by others, including parents, throughout life. Often shame is most pronounced in those who feel empathy for others as they are keenly attuned to the distress caused by their actions. They take on this role of seeing themselves as a negative, bad, or a hurtful person. Unlike guilt, which is a reaction to what you do, shame becomes a negative reaction to how you see yourself as a person.

At the other end of the spectrum are narcissists. These individuals do not see themselves as responsible for anything bad or negative in the lives of those around them. They justify their behaviors and have no empathy for others, which allows them to avoid feelings of both guilt and shame.

Interestingly, researchers now believe that deep-rooted shame is often involved in the development of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The narcissist has spent a lifetime denying this reality and becoming manipulative and covering up their sense of inadequacy and self-hatred by externalizing and projecting these feelings on partners and others.

Shaming the Shamed

The narcissist plays on the empathetic response of those who acutely feel ashamed. The narcissist may not display his or her deep emotions. However, they are highly effective in detecting those who have uncertainty or even insecurity in their perception of self.

People who have low self-esteem or who see themselves as flawed become targets for the narcissist. Not only does the narcissist detect the vulnerability, but he or she also creates situations to generate feelings of shame in the partner. Through creating more shame, they put themselves in a position of control in the relationship by constantly undermining the other person's sense of self-worth.

Signs of Being Shamed in a Relationship

Recognizing the signs of a narcissistic partner who is playing the "shame game" is often difficult to spot. However, look for telltale and repetitive issues such as:

• Isolation — driving away friends and family who would offset the negative message
• References to shameful events — sharing information about shameful events with a partner who then brings these issues up again and again
• Blame — the narcissist blames the partner for all negative events, twisting the issues to appear willful and intentional
• No responsibility — similar to blame, the narcissist never takes responsibility for anything negative even if he or she had direct control
• Distance – at a time when you need the most support, the narcissist becomes distant. This further creates feelings of anxiety and shame, particularly if coupled with blame for relationship problems.

To address issues of shame and develop healthy self-esteem, getting out of a narcissistic abuse pattern is the first step. Working with a therapist and having a network of support is critical to breaking the hold of the narcissist and moving away from this type of emotional abuse.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Sherry Gaba, LCSW and Author of Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to Find Everlasting Love and Wake Up Recovery for Codependents.