Guilt-Tripping: How to Recognize and Deal with It

Guilt-trippers can blame you for something that they did.

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Is someone guilty of guilt-tripping you? If you don't catch on to what a guilt-tripper is trying to do to you, get ready for what may be a disorienting, confusing, and even reality-bending trip.

When guilt-tripping, a person attempts to make you feel more guilty than is merited about something you did or even something that wasn't your fault in any way. Guilt-tripping is a manipulative tactic, since the guilt-tripper's goal is to make you feel so bad that you end up doing what the person wants you to do. The guilt-tripper may stretch facts and warp reality in different ways to exploit your conscience, compassion, and kindness. Here are some classic examples:

• Blaming you for things that you didn't do: What if the guilt-tripper insists, "You always put me last on your priority list" when it's nowhere near the case? Well, you still may feel pressured to do even more for the guilt-tripper just to further prove yourself.
• Flipping the script: This takes blaming to a whole other level. Say the person did something quite bad to you, such as reneging on a promise, backstabbing you, abandoning you during a time of need, or stealing something from you. Instead of expressing remorse, apologizing, and making amends, guess what the guilt-tripper does? The guilt-tripper turns the tables on you by saying, "I had no choice because you didn't check in enough to see how I was doing and pay attention to my needs." You don't want to find yourself apologizing for the guilt-tripper doing something bad to you,
• Not letting something go: You know the line "Love means never having to say you're sorry" from the 1970 movie Love Story? The Guilt-Trip Story is the opposite. Once you've inevitably made some kind of mistake in the relationship because, you know, you are human, the guilt-tripper may hold on to it like Thanos did with the Infinity Gauntlet and keep weaponizing it. So, every time the guilt-tripper wants something from you, expect a reminder of that time that you did such and such to him or her. It's like a debt for which no payment will ever be enough.
• Exaggerating the impact: Here the guilt-tripper blows whatever happened out of proportion, making a minor issue seem like Sharknado hit the Titanic, Like, oh the horror, you dared to make that comment about a TV show. The guilt-tripper may declare that life will never be the same because of what you did, or storm out, leaving you wondering whether you somehow insulted not only the guilt-tripper but all of the guilt-tripper's family, relatives, pets, and future descendants.
• Ascribing ill intent: The guilt-tripper may insist that you did something deliberately or out of malice when you did not, insisting something like, "You wanted me to fail" or "You are getting joy out of this happening." Maybe not the best intentions behind the accusations of ill intentions.
• Playing the victim: This is the woe-is-me, the look-how-badly-everyone-has-treated-me narrative, trying to make you feel guilty about doing anything besides protecting the guilt-tripper like a little lamb. Ah, but is this lamb a wolf in sheep's clothing?
• One-upping you on misfortune: Yeah, relationships aren't supposed to be competitions. Nevertheless, when you are in a tough situation, the guilt-tripper may claim that his or her situation is just as bad or even worse, sort of like running against you in a 100-meter dashed-dreams race. For example, imagine that you are facing a health crisis and wondering why the guilt tripper, who happens to be in good health, is not offering the requisite empathy and compassion. This is where the guilt-tripper may offer the "times are tough for me, too" excuse.
• Reminding you of how much he or she has done for you: This is the look-at-what-I've-done-for-you-so-you-should-do-more-for-me argument. Of course, keeping score in any relationship that's not based on a football field doesn't help build trust. Plus, those who keep score may just be exaggerating what they've done. The guilt-tripper may also simultaneously devalue what others are doing for you and make the "'I'm the only one really helping you" argument.
• The silent treatment, avoidance, or ghosting: The guilt-tripper may not even tell you what you supposedly did wrong. Instead, the guilt-tripper may just glare at you, cease communicating, or even become a not-so-friendly ghost, leaving you wondering. And wondering. And wondering what the heck you did wrong. This may throw you on a wild mental goose chase until you give up and say something like "I'm sorry for whatever I did. I will make it up to you."

All of these tactics can really trip you up, leaving you with anxiety and self-doubt if you aren't fully aware of what the guilt-tripper is doing. Guilt-tripping can be like taking a Brillo pad to the trust needed for a healthy relationship.

Therefore, once you spot any guilt-tripping tactics, emphasize to the guilt-tripper how such tactics aren't constructive and shouldn't be part of your relationship. The guilt-tripper needs to recognize, admit, and stop such behavior. However, if the guilt-tripper tries to guilt-trip you for calling out the guilt-tripping, then maybe it's time to make a trip right out of the relationship.