10 Ways People Justify Doing Bad Things

People may want to maintain a certain view of themselves despite what they may have done.

Source: Photo by Pedro Dias from Pexels

If you are waiting for people to realize the bad stuff they've done and to feel remorse, you may be waiting a long time. Like forever. As they say, denial is not a river in Egypt. And there are plenty of ways for people to justify their actions to themselves and others no matter how inappropriate, unethical, or harmful they may have been. Even if they abandoned you during a time of need, dropped a major commitment, or back-stabbed you, they can find some way to rationalize what they did so they can sleep at night and live with themselves. Here are 10 common ways:

1. That's the way the world is: This is the it's-a-dog-eat-dog-world argument. It's not them but the dark dystopian world we live in that forced them to do what they did to survive. Yeah, when in doubt blame the entire world and act as if every person in the entire universe behaves exactly the same way.
2. That's what so-and-so did: Alternatively, why not reference someone specific who did the same awful thing? It's even better when that someone is a well-known figure. That way they can cast themselves as cool and popular, too, rather than an insecure bully. Now, if only there were enough examples of politicians and celebrities behaving badly.
3. It served a greater purpose, so the ends justify the means: This is a favorite go-to for those self-anointed visionaries who believe they are better than everyone else. They may act as if they have some higher calling or higher purpose that will benefit the world in a way that's worth the price, namely whatever damage they did to your well-being: "Oh, I trampled all over your feelings because it is more important to build this company that will change the world by selling, like, really good energy drinks." Yeah, that's what you may hear from cult leaders, despots, and people like Thanos.
4. The environment was terrible: Yeah, maybe the workplace had a backstabbing culture. Maybe everyone was so tense because The Game of Thrones series had just ended. Maybe the air quality was just really, really bad, or whatever. This is essentially the it-was-something-in-the-water argument, whereby they blame an element of their immediate surroundings rather than, ding, ding, ding, themselves.
5. Such-and-such in my history compelled me to do it: This can range from childhood experiences to past relationships to other types of past trauma to anything else that's happened. Sure, people's pasts can affect how they react to things in the present. Sure, it's good to have compassion and empathy for the crosses that people have to bear. But not everyone with the same history necessarily behaves the same manner. And bad behavior is still bad behavior.
6. My intentions were good, no ill intent was there, bleep just happened: "I went there to help. Never mind the fact that I brought a lot of drama, caused a lot of pain and problems, and blew everything apart before abruptly leaving." This is where people focus on the start, like the trailer of a movie, without accounting for what ended up happening, like the actual movie being terrible.
7. You're too sensitive/unaware/whatever weakness: It can be all about you in a bad way. When they insulted you, the problem, of course, wasn't the insult but that you took it too hard. When they bailed on you, it was because you didn't take enough time to check in to realize that they were going to bail. When they reacted poorly during a situation, you didn't do enough to prepare them for things.
8. You're such a demon, you pushed me to do it: This is an even more extreme when-in-doubt-blame-the-victim approach. They may convince themselves that you were so awful that they just had to act awful in response. For example, if they abandoned you while you were in the midst of a major crisis, they may tell others, "Yeah, that person should have been nicer and more polite," without completing the sentence with "while suffering a major crisis." To ease their guilt, they may exaggerate or even make up what you did, because the more terrible you seem the less responsible they are for their actions, right?
9. We're just incompatible or a bad match: This is where they blame their actions on the incompatibility and mismatch between the two of you. This is kind of like saying they showed up naked to work simply because their suit or dress was too tight. OK, maybe you and they were a bad match in that you like to do things in an appropriate, ethical manner and they don't.
10. It never happened or the details are fuzzy: Finally, some people may block their bad behavior or the sequence of events from their memories. It's like selective amnesia: "Yeah, we were having some kind of argument. The next thing I remember I was on an airplane home. Oh, by the way, hope your surgery went well." After all, why feel guilty about what you can't even remember?

Ultimately, people who have done something bad to you may find a way to rationalize it so that they can sleep at night.

Source: Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Yeah, not everyone has the maturity, self-confidence, self-esteem, or self-awareness to admit what they did wrong, apologize, and make amends. If their feelings of self-worth are based on shaky pictures of themselves as good-hearted people, angels, or even martyrs, accepting the reality that they did something bad to you may put their self-image and whole sense of self at risk. That can feel way too threatening for them. It can seem much easier to play the victim role, the I'm-trying-so-darn-hard-to-be-a-good-person-but-things-keep-happening-to-me role.

Ultimately, you yourself have to get past and grow from any episode of mistreatment. Hanging your recovery on the people who bullied or otherwise hurt you in the first place gives away your personal power. Instead, see them as the very flawed individuals that they are. Understand that their biggest punishment may be that they threw away your trust and the opportunities that would have come with that.

They may never realize what they lost. But that's OK. No matter how they may justify what they did to you, you don't have to justify to them the value that you may have brought.