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Key points
- Don't assume that all single people are lonely and unhappy; the opposite can be true.
- For a friendship to work, both sides have to make relatively equal effort to maintain quality contact.
- Mutual empathy and consideration are important. Don't expect the single person to make more effort or time.
- The measure of a friend is what you do when the other side needs you. Being coupled doesn't give you a pass.
A couple can leave a single friend feeling singled out in a bad way, no matter how great that friend may normally feel about being single. What the couple says and does can intentionally or unintentionally relegate that singleton to a third wheel or maybe even a flat-tire status. This, in turn, can irrevocably damage a friendship that used to be stronger.
What follows are 10 ways that couples can make singles feel left out, coupled with 10 things that a couple can do to prevent each:
1. Don't assume that all single people are lonely and unhappy.
In fact, it can be quite the opposite. Singlehood has many advantages, especially over being in a not-so-great relationship.
2. Do make an effort to stay in touch with single friends.
Remember those friends who claimed that they'd be BFFs (best friends forever) when both were single? Well, in some cases, the "F" could have stood for "for-as-long-as-I-can't-find-another-companion" and not "forever." For a friendship to work, both sides have to make relatively equal effort to maintain quality contact with each other. Having a significant other shouldn't give anyone a pass.
3. Don't take a single person's time and schedule for granted.
A single person trying to schedule a get-together with some couples can be akin to planning a trip to Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland. After much back and forth, a couple may come back with something like, "We've got between 2:17 pm and 2:39 pm available seven Tuesdays from now as long as we meet at our child's daycare center and wear bunny rabbit costumes and the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars." Sure, a couple may have certain relationship-related constraints especially if they have kids. But a couple shouldn't assume that a single person is simply spending the day watching Adam Sandler movie reruns on TBS and waiting for the couple to call. A single life can be very busy, too, potentially even busier than a coupled life.
4. Don't set non-mutual boundaries.
Have you ever heard a newly coupled person say, "Now that I have a significant other, we can't do such-and-such anymore?" If such-and-such means communicating and hanging out on weekends, then the newly coupled person may be making the single friend feel like the "other woman" or the "other man" in a relationship. A couple shouldn't treat a single friend like some kind of wild animal that needs to be cordoned off from the rest of the couple's life.
5. Don't act as if couples have figured out life and single people haven't.
Being coupled isn't equivalent to taking the Red Pill in The Matrix. Neither is having children. It's not as if everyone else is oblivious to the realities, insights, and meaning of life. Everyone's path in life is different, which can bring unique experiences, perspectives, and insight. Couples can still learn a lot from single folks and vice-versa.
6. Be curious about the lives of single friends.
A couple can act as if they've "graduated" from singlehood and have all their conversations and thoughts focused around just a couple of things: namely what the couple is interested in and, oh, what the couple is doing. As a result, the couple may fail to inquire about what their single friend's life is like and even appear disinterested in the answers. But friendships begin to deteriorate when one side knows less and less about what the other is thinking and doing.
7. Don't treat single friends as if something is wrong with them.
Couples should avoid asking questions like, "Why are you still single?" in a "Why do you have a gigantic spot on your face?" type of way. And they shouldn't automatically assume that their single friends are doing something wrong to keep themselves single. Finding the right match can take the right timing, opportunities, and amount of luck.
8. Don't exclude your single friends from your activities, conversations, and gatherings.
A single friend isn't like Groot from The Guardians of the Galaxy movies or Chewbacca from Star Wars. If a couple invites a single friend to couples-dominated activities and gatherings, that single friend won't simply grunt, growl, or keep repeating his or her name to the other guests. A single friend can actually converse with coupled people and enhance whatever the couple puts together.
9. Put yourselves in the shoes of your single friends.
Sure, some couples may want to put their singlehoods in the rear-view mirror. However, that doesn't mean a couple shouldn't remain empathetic, continuously consider the perspectives of their single friends, and try to make their single friends feel included in conversations and activities. A couple can inadvertently say and do things that can make singletons feel kind of bad. An example is blanketly telling the singleton, "You shouldn't be so picky," which can come across as "You aren't that great," rather than saying something more specific like, "Maybe focusing on a date's abs is not the right approach" or, better yet, helping that singleton meet other people.
10. Be there when your single friends need you.
Ultimately, the measure of a friend is what you do when the other person needs you. Being in a romantic relationship doesn't mean that you should be 100% focused on your significant other all the time. Such a singular focus in actuality does not make for a healthy relationship. Plus, if your significant other really cares about you, he or she will want you to maintain your other friendships. And that includes being there when your other friends really need you, every single time.
