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Adolescence
How to Talk to Your Teenager
In spite of the old tropes about adolescents, it's not as hard you may think.
Updated April 23, 2024 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Talking to your teen means talking about their interests, not directing behavior or asking questions.
- To facilitate teens' independent thinking and feeling, parents should not take over conversations.
- Talking about your own history and experiences can help your teen reach their own independence.
One of my favorite scenes in the movie The Joy Luck Club is when the young daughter asserts to her mother, "I'm my own person!" and the mother, bewildered, thinks "When did she become her own person!?"
I love it because it nails the alienated perspectives of parents and their adolescents. The child insists upon their growing need for independence while the parent is left wondering, "What happened to my baby?" Indeed, while the tropes about adolescence—as a stormy, unpredictable period that parents just have to "wait out"—hold some truth, it's not only possible but easier than many may think to maintain a close relationship with your teens during this tumultuous time.
In this post, I provide suggestions based on my background as a psychologist and also as a parent of teenagers. And, in keeping with my own parenting advice on asking our children for feedback, I've asked experts on the other side, my 16-year-old sons, referred to here as O and S, for their views (in italics) about each point.
Reframe what "talking" means
When the kids are little, parents tell them what to do: Put on a sweater; brush your teeth; go to bed. We ask lots of questions: How was school? Are you hungry? Do you want to play soccer or basketball? That's what parenting is when they're little. When they become teens, however, parents need to reframe what "talking" means, which is often the opposite of directing behavior and asking questions.
OK, you say, but what about asking them how they feel about things? Many parents assume that if they don't ask about their kids' feelings, they won't share them. But this can happen more naturally without inviting a perfunctory response ("fine"). Instead, talk to them about their interests. Better yet, listen about their interests. It doesn't matter what it is—Fortnite, tennis, animal rescue. Be actually interested, and do not use it to segue into a lesson you want to impart (e.g., "speaking of Fortnite, I just read an article about how video games can turn your mind into an addict's.").
S: Yes, agree. Turning conversations into lessons makes conversations very difficult to maintain if that keeps happening, like where can you go from there?
O: This is a good start. Pretty good.
For some parents, for instance, more traditional Chinese parents, talking this way can feel wrong. In these cultures, parents do not converse as "equals" to their kids. (There are many recent shows that depict this dynamic, e.g., Disney's Chang Can Dunk; Netflix's The Brothers Sun.). What I can say about this is that adolescence is a time of individuation, in which the child's growth as an individual is primary. This can feel unnatural in collectivistic cultures, but it is important to let a different dynamic take hold for the well-being of the adolescent, the parent, and, ultimately, the family.
S: To be fair, mom, you're not exactly a traditional Chinese mother, so I'm not sure I can comment on this.
O: Agree.
Do not "overtake" the conversation
In order to negotiate their growing independence, teens need to wrestle with their own judgments and decisions, grieve their losses and disappointments, and take pride in their triumphs. This means that parents' emotional tone needs to match the teens'. For example, if they did well in a class, don't be happier or prouder than they are. It's their win, not yours. Same with losses. Along the same vein, refrain from scolding or criticizing. At this point, they probably already know how you might feel. Their developmental task is to know how they themselves feel, and overtaking their emotion with your own undermines that process. In fact, the less said the better, in most cases.
O: But don't take it to an extreme, Should be a dialogue, 50-50. It's OK to be prouder and happier than we are.
S: Just make sure your own feelings don't overshadow theirs.
Talk about your own history and experiences
While it's almost impossible for younger children to see their parents as anything other than mom and dad, adolescents reach the point where they're increasingly interested in their parents' history and experiences. I've found this to be a particular delight. My sons seem to want to hear about my life more, especially my mistakes. This does not need to be, nor should it be, a blow-by-blow account of your worst behavior, but you might be surprised at how accepting and wise they are. More importantly, it models for them that everyone is human, and mistakes can be overcome. I don't think I ever felt as close to my kids as when I am truthful about my life.
S: That's very sweet, mother. I'm definitely curious about your life, and it's good to know.
O: We realize you're human more, rather than a robot. I realize it's your first time experiencing things too, just like us.
Additionally, as a main task of adolescence is identity development, teens become more interested in family history. It's a great time to share where their ancestors are from and what their lives were like. Again, Asian-American parents, particularly immigrants, may have a harder time with that. Immigration tends to shut the door to the past, or it's a murky window at best. However, family history is a foundation of every generation's lives, one that can be a joyful shared experience.
S: That's true. I think I've been asking more about family history lately. Interesting to see where you grew up. It puts things in perspective.
O: Definiitely. I'm more interested now. I didn't care when I was younger. The fact that you're an immigrant makes me more interested.
Let them see you live your life
As teens negotiate their way into independence, it's helpful for them to see their parents living spirited, independent lives as well. But, you say, my life has been about them. What parents need to understand is that your teens are trying to become independent from you. Yes, it will tear your heart out when they leave home, but if you hold on too tight, the greater their need to push away. As well, living an engaged life models for them the possibilities for their future. Not, perhaps, scrolling on your phone (unless that's what you want them to do), but how about playing music with friends, or holding a book group in the living room? My kids always seem genuinely happy for me when I do my own thing, or maybe they're just glad I'm out of their hair. Either way, it's a win-win.
O: I like that part. I agree.
S.: I think you should be doing your own thing. Because while we're being independent, you can't be a crazy cat lady.
Enough said.
