Back-to-School Parenting

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As summer approaches its end, the inevitable back-to-school grind is on the horizon. Often times, this is a stressful period for children and parents alike. Going from a less structured, easy going summer to a structured, routine oriented school schedule can be difficult to say the least. Typically, parents feel this before the kids do. They know the summer timeframe is ticking down, and perhaps remember struggles of past summer transitions of back to school. Tensions slowly rise, frustration tolerances decrease, and the pressure to get back on a routine schedule is at an all time high. There are many suggestions on how to ease the transition back to school, but perhaps one of the most important, yet most overlooked can make the biggest of differences.

Dear parents, please be mindful of “how” you talk to your kids about transitioning back-to-school. They say kids are like sponges, absorbing the feelings, language, attitudes, and values of those around them, particularly parents. Children can feel even the slightest edge of frustration from a parent. The goal is to create a positive association; and, hence, one of the best parenting tips for the back-to-school transition is to talk about going back to school with excitement!

In a recent discussion with a close friend, she shared with me how anxious and stressed she is about the inevitable back-to-school transition. Her child had struggled last year, and she was anticipating the same this year. Her tone changed, her body language changed, and her entire demeanor shifted. Her child was nearby, and although she was trying to conceal her feelings to the best of her ability, we could all feel her stress, including her child. But she is not alone in this feeling. In my clinical work, parents often begin expressing their worries in July. The subtle word usage, or an accidental expressed emotion is easily absorbed by the child. And realistically, this does not happen once, but many times in the weeks leading up to school. A child may already have their own anxiety, but the addition of parental worry only intensifies the reaction. There is the saying that a dysregulated parent cannot regulate an emotional child, and perhaps the same is true in this example.

So what can be done? First, parents absolutely need an outlet for their own worries, but this outlet should be away from a child. Second, and perhaps even more challenging, is to watch overgeneralizing and “future tripping.” Overgeneralizing is a cognitive distortion that leads one to believe that just because something happened once, or even several times, it will continue to happen the same way. “Future-tripping,” or sometimes referred to has anticipatory anxiety, has the individual worrying about something that will happen in the future that maybe isn’t relevant today or in this moment.

It is important to manage overgeneralizing and allow each new school year to be its own event instead of loading past experiences. Certainly, it can be helpful to assess what worked and what didn’t in previous years, but on the same token, it is important to not assume that the same will happen. We can’t necessarily stop anticipatory anxiety, but we can learn to manage it. Asking yourself, “is this a today worry” can be helpful. If there is nothing that can be done immediately today to alleviate the worry, we can teach ourselves to put that worry to the side and “pick it up again” when it’s more relevant. This further allows us to practice being more mindful and present focused. We are not negating our worries, but simply putting them to the side and “picking them back up” when they are more relevant.

In addition to watching the language and emotional tone that we use in back-to-school discussions, the following can also be helpful tips:

1. Start the sleep/wake cycle routine that mimics the school routine AT LEAST one week prior to school starting
2. Praise positive back-to-school behavior, but also validate your child’s worries
3. Talk about the transition and what to expect
4. Allow your child choices (eg. school materials, first day outfit)
5. Be organized. Start school off with a clean bedroom, organize your backpack/folders/etc…
6. Instead of asking open ended questions such as “how was school today?” ask specific questions, eg. “What was one thing you learned today?” or “Which classmate did you talk most with today?”

And finally, parents know that you are not alone. Back-to-school transitions are stressful and often we must allow room for the “transitionary window.” After several weeks or the first month, most children do learn to transition to a “new normal” of being back in school. In the meantime, find yourself a healthy outlet and take care of your own emotions so you can help your child take care of theirs.