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Forgiveness
Grappling With a "Fauxpology"
A look at sincere versus insincere apologies.
Posted June 20, 2023 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Key points
- A sincere apology offers genuine remorse and demonstrates compassion for the impact of hurtful actions.
- An insincere "fauxpology" often leads to interpersonal conflict, residual resentments, and misunderstandings.
- It's important to appreciate the lessons of an insincere apology rather than get stuck in negative patterns.
Have you ever walked away feeling confused, shamed, blamed, or otherwise ill at ease after someone has apologized to you? If so, you may have been on the receiving end of a fauxpology — or non-apology. And if so, you’re not alone. Not all apologies, it turns out, are created equal. What exactly does a sincere apology entail? And why do some apologies seem to make a bad situation even worse?
Responsibility, remorse, and regret
A sincere apology is a complex exchange. A genuine apology involves expressing heartfelt remorse for the behavior that caused hurt or harm. It requires an individual to take responsibility for their hurtful actions, words, or choices. A sincere apology also demonstrates authenticity, through a determined effort to address problematic patterns and behaviors. Furthermore, it signals that the individual issuing the apology values the relationship enough to reflect on their part in a regrettable exchange or incident. In turn, this show of compassion allows the person who has suffered hurt and harm to regain trust and move beyond a painful experience.
A sincere apology leaves us feeling understood, respected, and more connected to the person who has issued an apology. But, when we experience cognitive dissonance between the way an apology should make us feel — that is to say, we feel worse after an apology — chances are that the apology was a problematic one.
Ifs, ands, and buts
When an if, and, or but is part of an apology, there is a very good chance that the apology is off track. An apology centered around the statement: “I’m sorry if you feel that way,” shifts the blame away from a hurtful action and onto the hurt feelings, and suggests that the emotional reaction — rather than the problematic behavior itself — is the real problem. Equally problematic is: “I’m sorry, and you should be too.” This type of apology attempts to counter-accuse and implicate the harmed person. Then there’s: “I’m sorry, but …” which attempts to justify, contextualize and normalize hurtful behavior. Also in this category lies “I’m sorry if you can’t take a joke,” “You didn’t understand,” and “You took it the wrong way.”
There’s also the forced apology, and an apology delivered in anger, neither of which involve remorse, regret, or willingly assume responsibility for an individual’s actions. A problematic apology can, in some cases, be part of a pattern of coercive control, known as gaslighting, wherein an individual, over time through persistent and pervasive emotional abuse and manipulation, causes their target to question their sense of what is known to be true and to distrust their own feelings and reactions.
What is lacking in these examples — as in all insincere apologies, is an unwillingness to accept responsibility for a hurtful action or behavior.
What insincere apologies reveal to us
Life is a series of experiences, and we label these experiences as good or bad. Even in an unpleasant, disappointing, and emotionally tense exchange, there are lessons we can learn. People, through their actions, choices, and treatment of other people, show us who they are, not who we are.
When we’re on the receiving end of a non-apology, we learn a great deal. We learn how it feels to experience discomfort and a lack of positive outcomes. Through experiencing the insincerity and mixed messages of a problematic apology, we learn how not to treat someone we may have harmed. And we learn to appreciate how an insincere apology can undermine our trust in another person.
An insincere apology reveals to us a lack of integrity, a reluctance to take responsibility, and a lack of compassion and respect, due to the absence of a desire to make amends and take steps to change patterns of behavior.
You have a choice
Author and life coach Tony Gaskins Jr. famously said: “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.”
In the aftermath of an insincere apology, you have a choice. You can choose to stay stuck in negativity and engage in a continuing cycle of hurt, harm, and inauthenticity. Or you can heed the lessons that your experience has afforded you, and choose to invest your time and energy in positive pursuits and exchanges with people who respect and value our company and friendship.
The dos and don’ts of dealing with a fauxpology
Do:
- Pay attention to your feelings, when an apology leaves you feeling worse than you felt prior to the conversation.
- Pause and reflect in the aftermath of an emotionally fraught or confusing exchange.
- Focus on the positive, healthy, and mutually respectful relationships in your life.
Don't:
- Give in to an urge to argue your position, and prolong and promote negative relationship dynamics.
- Personalize another person’s insincerity. Remember, other people show us who they are, not who we are.
- Waste your precious time and energy on maintaining unhealthy relationships.
