How to Navigate Our Differences

These are days when we would be wise to consider the words of poet Maya Angelou: “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.”

If you’ve been around for a while, you may recall dinner parties derailed by discussions of the Vietnam War, the Equal Rights Amendment, Watergate, the Gulf War, the Affordable Care Act, and, more recently, COVID-19 masks. Somehow, over time, we managed to set aside our differences, dust ourselves off, and return to the dinner table to rub shoulders with those who have held opposing views.

Yet despite this history, the current political landscape feels more treacherous and polarized than ever. Our passions are supercharged, fueled by the highest of stakes, and inflamed by social media, where we can debate and argue with those we may never meet. Also, more frequently, we are seeing extreme views expressed vociferously, resulting in violent actions that further escalate tensions.

Navigating such conversations with those who hold differing views isn’t for the faint of heart. How can we de-escalate our interactions and begin to build a consensus?

One approach is to embrace the spirit of Sawubona, the ancient Zulu greeting that means “I see you.” It implies, “I know you and recognize your worth, passions, pain, strengths, weaknesses, and life experiences.” It’s a sentiment grounded in the belief that people are inherently good and do their best with the circumstances they've been handed.

This perspective resonated with me recently as I listened to Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer explain that she wants to eventually meet the men who threatened her family and who pleaded guilty to the conspiracy to kidnap her. She said, “You know, maybe I’ll learn something that will make me a better person or make me a better governor, or maybe there’s nothing to learn, but I’d like to try.” She was embracing Sawubona.

Five questions to launch discussion

How can we make Sawubona the guiding principle in our interactions? Here are a few questions to jumpstart your journey across the great divide:

1. Politics aside, what experiences have shaped your worldview?
2. What issue matters most to you and why?
3. What do you wish I, and others with differing views, understood about your perspective?
4. How do you view the balance between individual rights and collective responsibility in areas like health care, education, and the environment —- and why?
5. What party and candidates best reflect your values?

The importance of empathy and attunement

Social scientists like Nonviolent Communication founder Marshall Rosenberg and relationship researcher John Gottman have shown that a surefire way to foster connection and resolution in our relationships hinges on empathy and attunement, a knowledge we can apply to discourse.

Empathy requires us to listen without judgment and consciously work at understanding the other person’s perspective. That’s a tall order in today’s heated climate. Yet it's essential for building trust.

Attunement also involves active listening and requires that we actively respond to the emotional needs of others. Consider when you last deeply listened to someone without formulating your next response as they talked.

There’s a bonus for those who practice empathy and attunement. Not only will this lead to a better understanding of others, but you will become more likable. Don't we all enjoy being with those who seek out our point of view and are open-minded?

Five essential steps to bridge the great divide

Here are some practical steps to enrich relationships with those you disagree:

Say, “I value you.” What positive attributes can you acknowledge about the other person? When my children were young and frustrated with a classmate, I would listen intently to the concern and then ask them to also identify one thing they liked about that person. It was a reminder that we are all complex beings with inherent value.

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Say, “I’m sorry. " When conversations go off the rails, be the first to express regret without an apology “tail.” Instead of saying “I’m sorry but…” simply say, “I’m sorry.”

Value curiosity over judgment. Engage in active listening to discover what experiences may have shaped the other person’s views. Is there an unmet need behind an expressed grievance? You might also turn to unfamiliar news sources for insight. I routinely scan and gather information from a range of liberal and conservative news outlets. I have never not learned something.

Seek common ground. Identify areas of agreement or work toward a constructive conversation. For instance, I once attended a talk by a National Rifle Association leader in the aftermath of a school shooting, eager to understand the rationale behind unchecked gun proliferation in the face of such a tragedy. You may not always find common ground but being open to different viewpoints is an antidote to “othering” those with whom we disagree.

Prioritize personal interactions over social media. Raised to view discourse as a civic duty, four years ago during the COVID lockdowns, I turned to social media as a substitute for knocking on doors only to find those conversations wildly unproductive. The most meaningful dialogues will always occur face to face, not on somewhat anonymous platforms like Facebook and X (Twitter).

We can certainly work toward making our communities less fragmented by taking the initiative to de-escalate tensions inherent in these conversations. But, realistically, we also need to know when to step away. The best advice of all might be this: prioritize your well-being. Agree to disagree and let go. Distance can offer clarity—stroll in the park, dive into a novel, or indulge in some guilty-pleasure TV.

There is wisdom in knowing that our true strength may be found in not having the last word.