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Gloria (not her real name) is going through a very difficult divorce. Her husband has had an affair and now blames Gloria for the affair and the divorce.
“Jack feels neglected and says I am too focused on the children,” she tells me, “So he is trying to punish me by dragging out the divorce process.”
Gloria goes on to say that her friends don’t know what to say or how to support her. Some friends have distanced themselves, “as if divorce is contagious,” Gloria says. Others have apparently taken sides and aligned with Jack. I ask what she needs from her friends, and then we talk about how to let her friends know how they can comfort or support her.
Here are ways you can comfort and support a friend going through a divorce.
1. Just Listen. Gloria wishes she could talk to her friends about her feelings, her fear, anger, loneliness, and sadness. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to can be incredibly comforting. Let your friend share their feelings without offering unsolicited advice or judgment. Listening is a gift to friends who are suffering. Note: Keep it confidential. Sharing your friend’s feelings or comments with others promotes damaging gossip and rumors, which cause more pain to the person going through the divorce.
2. Offer Practical Help. Gloria was overwhelmed by meetings with lawyers and taking her children to counseling, and she was having trouble sleeping. “I keep forgetting to eat, because I have no appetite.” She wishes a friend would offer to help with some everyday tasks that feel overwhelming, like dropping the kids at school or picking them up, offering to take the kids for a play date, or even bringing over a meal.
3. Be Available. Gloria admits that her mood swings are unpredictable. Sometimes, she wants to be alone to process her feelings, and then often, she needs to not be alone but to have someone who cares about her to listen or distract her. If your friend is struggling through a separation or divorce, let them know you’re there for them but without being intrusive or meddling. Just respect their boundaries.
4. Encourage Self-Care. Gloria has no appetite and has given up her daily workout at the gym. You can offer to join your friend in activities that promote well-being, such as a lunch date, walking, hobbies, or relaxation activities such as yoga or meditation. Consider offering a weekly “walk and talk” with your friend.
5. Be Patient. Typically, it takes a year or more to recover from major life changes, such as a divorce. Healing from a divorce can take time. Be patient with their process and avoid rushing them through their feelings or offering quick fixes. Give advice only when asked for it.
6. Reassure. Anyone who has been divorced knows how easily one begins to catastrophize. Gloria tells me that she’s sure she will have to live in some dark basement apartment because Jack will “hide our money.” If your friend is imagining the worst, remind them that they’re not alone. Reassure them that their feelings are valid but that their fears are probably exaggerated. Reassurance is comforting, especially during a life-changing crisis.
7. Avoid Negative Talk. Avoid gossip and rumors, and avoid badmouthing their ex. Gloria says, “It’s fine if I say he’s a jerk, but when someone else says it, I feel personally criticised. Like they are saying, ‘How could you marry/fall in love with such a jerk?’” Instead, focus on providing positive support and encouragement about surviving the crisis and looking forward to an easier time in the future. While showing your loyalty and support to a friend, don’t take sides. There are always many perspectives, and if there are children, family and friends can help them get through their parents’ divorce by not forming alliances.
8. Help Them Seek Professional Support. If your friend seems overwhelmed and unable to cope, you can gently suggest that they seek help. There are divorce support groups that meet in person and online. If they seem open to it, suggest talking to a therapist or counselor who can provide professional guidance and support. Gloria has used counseling well, especially in developing coping strategies and learning how to ask for what she needs from friends.
Later, Gloria spoke with two of her closest friends about how they could help. They were delighted to be asked and to be able to be helpful. Gloria was surprised when one friend responded, “Thank you for asking me. I had no idea how to help and you have given me a gift by asking me!” One friend regularly invited her to dinner and a movie when Gloria’s children were with their dad. “At first, I felt like a third wheel going out with her and her husband, but I was so grateful to be out doing something enjoyable, and taking my mind off the negative stuff in my life,” she tells me.
Comforting a friend going through a divorce may seem challenging, but your support can make a big difference to a suffering friend. Your kindness and empathy will help your friend feel less isolated, fearful, and unstable during this difficult time.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
