Spotting Dangerous Partners

The recent death of Gabby Pepito, a 22-year-old woman on a van trip across the United States with her fiancé, has grabbed the nation’s attention once again on intimate partner violence and murder. Likewise, the recent release of the FBI’s violent crime statistics for 2020 indicates that violent crimes have increased from 2019 by 5.6 percent, while property crimes have dropped 7.8 percent.¹ In 2019, a study looking at gender and homicide found that intimate partner homicides were increasing again after four decades of decline. The majority of victims are women.²

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This news suggests that it would help women (and men) to know who they are dating or committing to. We conducted an online survey that included responses from more than 300 people.⁴ We identified several patterns of behavior that seemed to precede “high conflict” behavior in romantic partners. Here are three of them:

1. Excessive charm: Their expressions of love and interest tended to be over the top. As one respondent suggested, don’t trust anyone who is a 10 on a scale of 1-10. Go for the 7 or 8, because they are more real and sustainable in relationships.

2. Fake compatibility: They will tend to find out your interests and then pretend to share them. As one respondent indicated, their shared interests stopped on their wedding night when he said he was never interested in an activity they shared for months before that. By then she felt it was too late to back out of the relationship and spent a few years before getting out.

3. Intense sexuality: Respondents told us that they were surprised at how fast these relationships developed, especially sexually. The intensity was so seductive that they risked jobs, friends, and reputations with their preoccupations with these new partners.

Waiting to Commit

Intimate partner violence can take a while to come to the surface and may often be taken as matter-of-fact by many young lovers. It is never okay and is not a part of a healthy relationship. It is a warning sign and often the beginning of a pattern of behavior that may escalate. Therefore, people should wait at least a year before making a big commitment, such as getting married, having a baby, or buying a house together. However, some of our respondents said it took two or three years for the dangerous pattern to emerge.

One wonders what the story was for Gabby and her fiancé because they were, apparently, high school sweethearts and had been engaged for more than a year before their cross-country trip began. We may never know, but there are usually some personality or other mental health warning signs for those who are looking. After all, there was an incident of domestic violence during their trip that drew police attention. She apparently took the blame for the incident, claiming that she was the primary aggressor, which led the police to take no further action.³ This is a common occurrence in ongoing domestic violence situations in which the victim has adapted to protect the abuser.

Conclusion

The incidence of intimate partner violence and homicide is increasing. There are often warning signs in relationships with dangerous partners. Dating partners, friends, family, and all of us need to become better educated about patterns of behavior that may show some of these warning signs.