Unconventional Wisdom: Legal Cowardice?

Legal Cowardice?

I am a divorced woman in my 50s who joined an online dating site earlier this year. I have met and dated several men, some for a few months, but I’ve not found anyone I want to settle down with. Recently, a man contacted me who has a fine background and shares many of my interests. I would like to pursue a relationship, but I am troubled by one thing: He says he is legally separated and has been for 20 years. That makes me uncomfortable, and I’m not sure why. He says it may be because I am not ready for a real relationship. I don’t know what to think.

I won’t tell you what to think, but I will tell you what to think about. One, he has had plenty of time to pursue a divorce, so why hasn’t he done so? Most people who are serious about wanting a new relationship aim to enter it with minimal ties to the past. Completely disentangling assets, adjudicating ongoing responsibilities, and resolving emotion-laden issues help free partners to restart their romantic lives. It takes courage to acknowledge a mistake, put one’s house in order, and face all of life’s possibilities (and uncertainties) solo. Legal separations are actually quite rare. Is your friend really legally separated? Living apart from his wife—yes, he has a wife, who may not want a divorce—for 20 years makes him no more legally separated than living next door to a bank for two decades makes me rich. Just who is the one not ready for a real relationship? Is he waiting for the “right” person to come along before he considers untethering himself? Is he capable of emotional independence? Is he held in check by the opposition of wife or children? Could it be that your online friend values clinging to the comfort of the status quo over stepping up to life’s uncertainties? The failure to finalize a divorce after 20 years while seriously seeking a new partnership suggests, at the very least, a lack of moral courage. One more thing: Beware of people who deflect their failures onto you by making you think your concerns stem from a problem you have. It is reasonable to question someone who day after day fails to make a clean break with his past.

Love’s Last Stand

I was in a relationship with an amazing woman for over two years but could never commit to her. After we split, I did a lot of internal work. Now, five months later, I have seen the error of my ways—but she’s with another. I’m 46; she’s 49. She wants a life partner; so do I. Am I foolish to keep hope alive?

Who is to say what’s foolish when it comes to love? Pursuit against the odds has been rewarded often enough to give reasonable people hope. Turning 50 is a kind of neural neon sign that one’s future isn’t forever and now is the time to live life with that life partner. Your ex has reason to be wary: Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. There’s no guarantee that anything you do will work, but the love of one’s life is worth fighting for. At a minimum, she’d need to be certain that you’re capable of making the commitment you couldn’t make five months ago. Taking the risk to woo her might do it. Still, you have to charm her from afar. Be inventive; you’re going for broke. An off-the-wall suggestion: Take a favorite song, write your own love lyrics, record yourself singing them, send the recording to Ms. X by email. Do one song a week for three weeks. Or take the opposite tack: Woo her with your calm. Says a wise male friend: “I knew a guy whose wife announced that she was unhappy and had fallen for someone else. My friend said, ‘I understand. I ask that you not see him for six months while we try to revive us. If in six months you still want to leave, you’ll have my full blessing.’ She waited, he courted gently. They’re together a decade later.” And if you lose, at least you rose to the challenge.

Susceptible to Sadness

I’m 30 years old and a very sad person. There are no tragedies in my life; I just feel sad very easily and very deeply, and I always have. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression, but I might if I saw a therapist. I deal with it, but it undermines my confidence. People can tell I’m insecure, even though I know I’m competent. I know that I look better than most people, but I don’t feel as if I do. How can I shake off my lack of confidence?

You can’t just shake it off, but you can overcome it. Sadness comes easily to some, and it sounds as if you work so hard to “deal with it” that mental resources get depleted. It matters little whether your tilt to sadness reflects ways of thinking acquired early in life, before you were even aware, or something more dispositional. There are ways to change the habits of mind that make it hard for you to maintain a strong sense of self. Best known is cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, which equips you with ways of tackling the distorted thinking that both undermines your confidence and consistently focuses your attention on the sad side of life. You don’t need a formal diagnosis of depression to benefit from CBT, which is really a set of good mental practices everyone should possess. CBT gives you the tools to understand when sadness is not an accurate reflection of reality. It’s probably easiest to gain CBT skills from a trained therapist, but there are plenty of books on CBT to help you if you want to go it alone.