Final Analysis: Courtesy of Groupon

$13 for 3-liter Tub of SPF 35 Sunscreen

Cover up that alabaster skin! And since there’ll be over 30,000 Groupon members* sharing in your spoils, you won’t have to worry about applying lotion to those hard-to-reach areas!

*Grouponians are advised to wash their hands immediately after applying lotion to other Grouponians.

35% Off Your First Skin Consultation

Apparently, dodging UVA rays isn’t in your wheelhouse—because let’s face it, you didn’t put enough sunscreen on! Get that mole checked with a gang of other negligent Groupon’ers over at Just Moles. If more than 2,100 of you are malignant, take an additional 10% off! This deal is about to expire! And you may, too!

41% Off Healing Crystals

Those jagged edges weren’t so jagged after all! (Big group exhale, everybody!) Ward off future health scares with some objectively jagged crystals, guaranteed to be there for you during challenging times. Supplies are so limited, you may already be too late!!!

Laugh 100% More for 30% less!!!

Treat yourself to some chuckles with Scripted Improv,* as you and other Groupon’ers share a giant margarita with 1,100 straws! The Ha-Ha Castle

*Should Improv Troupe ask for a volunteer from the audience, it’s acceptable for up to 250 Groupon’ers to rush the stage.

Half-off Any Molar Rehabilitation

Ashamed of your teeth? Gather your cockeyed chompers for some cleaning and straightening sessions. Take an additional 71% off Invisalign with built-in white strips for molars 17, 19 and 32. The clock is ticking and this deal may NEVER EVER EVER be repeated!

1 Free Minute with a Life Coach*

Underneath that brand-new smile, what lurks? Get your act together with an expert in total strangers’ lives! It’s F-R-E-E! This offer is so insane the Better Business Bureau will investigate Y-O-U if you don’t do it! The Codependency Collective

*May have to share with 200 other Grouponians

$10 for $20 Worth of Pick-Me-Up-Pills!!!

According to an expert in strangers, life isn’t going quite so well. Before you decide to do something “drastic,” for just $10 help yourself to $20 worth of Zoloft at The Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor Warehouse. You’re already depressed, why not make us a little happier?

7 Feet Under for the Price of 6!*

You’re still here? Then here’s something to turn that frown upside-down: 14% off all spring burials at Rogers and Rogers and Rogers and Rogers Mortuary! All plots get a lot of sunshine. And we heard you like that.

*May have to share casket or urn with 3-20 additional Grouponians