Advice: Ninety Percent Perfect

By all accounts, including my husband's, we had an excellent marriage for 15 years. Yet, he walked out months ago. Now he rarely sees our two teenage boys; he finds it difficult to deal with their learning disabilities. They are angry with him. He has always traveled for work, but especially since he took on a new position (and a bigger salary) at his law firm. He tells people I am "90 percent perfect." He began threatening to leave because, he said, I have a short fuse. I actually sought help, but my husband said he still "couldn't trust me." He says he is "entitled to better." I don't believe he's having an affair. He is 41; I am 45. He has rewritten the narrative of our marriage and sees no problems in himself. Every healthcare professional tells me there is nothing I can do. Do I just move on?

It's hard to believe your husband isn't having an affair, despite his travels. He is likely surrounded by young associates who look 100 percent perfect since they are probably unencumbered by imperfect spouses and sons. It's hard to notice flaws in people when you never see them without makeup. It's even harder to see them in yourself when you're rising quickly—and as flaws go, lack of self-awareness is a pretty big one. Your husband's belief that he is perfect and entitled to perfection is troubling—but not nearly as much as his assumption that something called perfection actually exists. It's an illusion. Perhaps he is confusing his own worth as a human being with his salary; it's an occupational hazard among men. But you're not off the hook. You ceded to Mr. Perfect all responsibility to set the terms of your relationship. This is probably the real reason for his unhappiness in the marriage; there is no true partnership. You accepted his report card of 90 percent—when relationships have nothing to do with the ratings racket at all. Having a short fuse is one thing; that it's being lit is another. Accepting Mr. Perfect's interpretation of everything deflects attention from what he's doing to ignite your anger. When you sought help for yourself only—instead of insisting that both of you head into marriage counseling to address the situations that give rise to intense anger (your powerlessness probably has a lot to do with it)—you gave your husband a free pass and validated his belief that he is perfect. That's what happens when you don't address a power imbalance at the core of the marriage. Too bad all the healthcare people you see are willing to keep you passive and powerless. You can't make your husband move back home; but you certainly will arouse his curiosity—and maybe more—if you assert yourself from here on out. Think strategically: Firmly tell him that he has abdicated his responsibilities and that any settlement is going to have to reflect his abandonment. Keep exchanges brief and upbeat, and let them reflect that you are not stopping your life.