Advice: A Strange Relationship

I am 39, single and in the middle of very strange
relationship with a 53-year-old man who is divorced and living with his
mother. We’ve been seeing each other occasionally for the past
four months and although he keeps saying that he finds me attractive
and interesting, he avoids any form of intimacy apart from long
good-bye kisses. Every time I offer him to spend the night at my place,
he leaves. He has introduced me to most of his friends and takes me to
their parties, but he rarely calls and we might go weeks without seeing
each other unless I call him. I feel uncomfortable having to chase or
seduce a man. Am I being pathetically naive and reading more in this
relationship than there is to it?

Maybe yes, maybe no. But you’re right, you shouldn’t
have to do the chasing especially if it makes you uncomfortable. So sit
tight and see what happens.

Four months into any relationship, especially for a recently
divorced guy, is very early in the game. Maybe he has feelings for you
but is cautious because he doesn’t want to make another mistake.
It’s possible that staying the night at your place would require
explanations to Mom that make the relationship seem more serious than it
now is.

However, most 53-year-old men don’t live with their mommy,
and the boarding arrangements do raise some questions. Is this a
temporary state until he finds a place of his own, or has he become a
caretaker for an aging mother? Or has she become his caretaker? (It could
be that he really likes having someone pick up his socks.) Or Mom may
like her son’s company more than she values his independence. Or
perhaps the pain of divorce is fresh and Mom serves chicken soup along
with freshly laundered socks. Or maybe living with Mom is a convenient
foil for a lifestyle choice he isn’t quite ready to openly
embrace.

What’s most strange about the relationship is the lack of
information. When Mr. Sometime calls again, by all means be open to
seeing him. Conduct a friendly conversation that touches on a variety of
subjects. That way he may find a door he can open to talk more about
himself.

After His Affair
I am a victim of my husband's midlife crisis, after 28 years of
marriage and four adult children. I’m 44 and was shocked to find my
husband is having an affair with a worker 25 years his junior. I can't
trust him although he is affectionate and says he doesn't want to lose
me. I want to leave him but don't have the courage to go, as I have no
friends. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for the past year, but am
still so angry I can't accept what he has done to me. I'm so confused
that it's destroying me inside. I do need my space but don't know how to
go about getting it.

Shock, anger, confusion—these are highly appropriate
responses to learning that the person you love has betrayed you. If a man
(or woman) reaches midlife unhappy with his life, then he owes it to his
spouse to discuss ways of initiating change that work for both partners,
not just one of you. I presume he has stopped the affair—and if
there is any hope of saving your marriage, he must furnish proof that he
has, whether it’s showing you records of his cell phone calls or
changing jobs. It’s part of taking pains to rebuild your sense of
trust in him—and the burden is on him to prove to you that he is
trustworthy. It takes a long time to build trust in the first place, and
even more time and effort to rebuild it after it has been shattered by
deliberate actions. Does your husband have any sense of the trauma he has
inflicted? After all, he was the one who broke the rules you thought you
were both living by. If he doesn’t have an awareness of the pain
he’s caused you, then it is almost impossible to repair the damage
and you might be better off creating a new life of your own. If you
choose to stay, you and your husband must jointly construct a new
relationship from the ground up, openly agreeing to the rules you both
establish.

By no means are you the cause of your husband’s affair, but
having little life of your own imbalances the relationship in a way that
can make an outsider appear alluring; it renders you far more dependent
on your husband for companionship than he is on you. Over time, people in
such a position often grow to resent the burden of responsibility.
Whether you stay or go, you need a life of your own; you need friendships
and activities that are rewarding to you. Everyone does.