Q and A with Hara Marano

Hot and Cold

I have been married to the most wonderful man for the past seven
years. Recently he totally changed. He says it isn't anyone else and he
doesn't need anyone. But he seems to show more affection to the dog than
to me. I'm trying hard to support him but he is so hot and cold that the
mixed messages are torture. He refuses to seek counseling, on his own or
as a couple. I am seeing a therapist to help me deal with my fear and
feelings of loss over a man and marriage I thought would last forever. I
just need to know that he still loves me, wants our future and is willing
to work on it. What do I do next? And if one more person tells me to be
patient and strong and be there for him I am going to scream.
Virginia

Don't be patient, be smart. Stop seeking reassurance. Start
getting information. Consider several possibilities:

1. Your husband could be lying (about an affair). He wouldn't
be the first, although it makes women doubt their own
sanity.

2. Your husband may be depressed or anxious. He wouldn't be
the first, either, but many guys see getting help as a sign of
weakness, which only magnifies their irritability and
suffering.

3. Have you tried sitting down and talking calmly to your
husband, expressing your genuine concern about him, telling him how his
behavior comes across, letting him know how worried you are about him
and how terrified it's making you about his well-being and your future?
By making it "safe" for your husband to talk, you're likely to get some
clues about what's going on.

Beyond Words

I am a young girl of 22 facing a lot of problems with my boyfriend.
He tells me he loves me, but I don't see the attention. He's a student
and most often he complains of being busy to the point of not paying
attention to me. We just recently have quarelled on this matter. I don't
know whether to break off the relationship. Vera

You're right in expecting that positive feelings such as love
should be detectable in behavior. And I'm presuming you've determined
that this guy has some good traits that make him worthy of your
affection. That said, it's never too soon to start building the
relationship skills you're going to need if you want to get and keep
love in your life. Instead of quarelling with your boyfriend, ask him
how he knows that you like him and what he thinks is reasonable
behavior on his part for you to get the message that he likes you. Then
negotiate and compromise on a plan for spending some time together (and
some time for studying) that satisfies both of you, at least for
now.