Ask Dr. E

Answers to your questions about crushes, raisingchildren, incest,
anxiety and more,

Dear Dr. E,

I always get crushes on older men, and I'm afraid this is going to
get me into real trouble some day. How can I change this?

G, Maine

Dear G,

Your reference to "trouble" suggests that you're very young or that
you're yearning for married men. Fantasies like this are normal and
common, but the consequences of acting on such fantasies can be severe.
If your concerns persist, try talking about your feelings with a
counselor or peers. Be sure to think twice before you act.

Dear Dr. E,

My best friend recently told me that she engages in sexual activity
with her older brother. Is this normal?

C. Sydney, Australia

Dear C,

This kind of behavior is called incest. It's forbidden in every
culture on Earth, and perhaps for that reason alone, people who engage in
it often suffer severe emotional damage. Because children conceived by
siblings are often physically abnormal, we're probably programmed by our
genes to abhor sexual contact with close relatives. Urge your friend to
get professional help.

Dear Dr. E,

When I get a new job, I get very nervous and have an anxiety
attack. I usually quit after the first day. I'm out of work and don't
know what to do. How can I deal with my anxiety?

A, Fair Haven, Michigan

Dear A,

Millions of Americans struggle with unwanted anxiety. You might be
able to overcome your problem by learning techniques of stress-management
and relaxation. You might also benefit from a class of medications that
treat anxiety called "anxiolytics." You can get more information about
anxiety and its treatments at www.adaa.org, the Web site of the Anxiety
Disorders Association of America. The Association for the Advancement of
Behavior Therapy (www.aabt.org) can help you find therapists who can
teach you to relax.

Dear Dr. E,

What's the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath?

MJ, Birmingham, England

Dear MJ,

No difference. The official term, by the way, is actually
"antisocial personality disorder"

Dear Dr. E,

Are there any long-term effects of spanking a child?

D, Fredericksburg, Pennsylvania

Dear D,

Severe physical punishment can have lasting effects, but millions
of adults were spanked as children and have suffered no obvious long-term
damage. As long as spanking is done in moderation, it's probably a safe
parenting technique. There are also dozens of positive alternatives to
punishment, which parents should make an effort to master. Books like
Glenn Latham's The Power of Positive Parenting (P&T Ink, 1994) can
get you started.

Dear Dr. E,

I have a six-year-old son and recently gave birth to a daughter. I
don't feel the same about my daughter as I do about my son. I had a
troubled pregnancy, but I don't think I should hold this against my
child. Please advise me.

A, Albany, New York

Dear A,

The pregnancy might play a role in how you're feeling, but there
might be other factors as well. The fact is that parents don't always
feel the same way about each of their children, and feelings toward each
child tend to change over time. A few years from now-seven, I'd wager,
when your son becomes a teenager--you might find yourself favoring your
daughter!

Dear Dr. E,

How does day care affect child development?

M, Brownsberg, Indiana

Dear M,

Research suggests that quality day care is as beneficial for kids
as good parenting. After all, abuse and neglect can occur in both
day-care settings and homes; neither setting is inherently perfect.
Children need love, attention and a certain measure of discipline. Good
day-care environments can provide all these elements.