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Relationships
Defining Yourself: The Importance of Relationships
Defining yourself starts with getting to know your own thoughts, values, and ideals.
Posted July 29, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- The process of defining oneself is deeply intertwined with family dynamics.
- Finding a balance between being your own person and being close to others is a fulfilling way to live.
- Defining yourself involves aligning your behaviors with your values, ideals, and goals.
It's a common belief that one must be alone or single to truly understand oneself. While there's some truth to this, the process of defining oneself is deeply intertwined with family dynamics. Personal growth often involves taking actionable steps in relationships with emotionally significant others, such as family members.
Defining yourself refers to developing a clear sense of self while maintaining healthy emotional connections with others. It's about finding a balance between being your own person and being close to others. It involves expressing your thoughts and feelings without losing your sense of identity in relationships. For example, a person may learn to voice their opinions during family discussions, asserting their perspective even when it differs from the majority. This ability to communicate honestly fosters personal growth and strengthens relationships by promoting understanding and respect for differing viewpoints.
When we are emotionally triggered, our feelings become intertwined with those of others, and it influences us to act in ways we don't like or say things we don't mean, especially when we are stressed or anxious. When we react while triggered, we behave in ways that are counterproductive to our values and best interests. When we are emotionally reactive, our judgment is clouded, and it influences how we see the world and ourselves.
Defining yourself involves aligning your behaviors with your values, ideas, and goals. This cannot happen when you rely on automatic "go-to" moves to relieve anxiety in your relationships. Relying on automatic "go-to" moves to alleviate anxiety in relationships refers to habitual reactions or coping mechanisms that individuals fall back on when faced with stress or emotional discomfort. These responses, often unconscious, can manifest in various forms, such as avoidance, defensiveness, or over-apologizing. While these behaviors might provide temporary relief from anxiety, they can hinder genuine communication and deepen relational issues.
For instance, someone might instinctively withdraw when conflict arises, avoiding difficult conversations that could lead to resolution and understanding. This pattern prevents individuals from truly addressing their feelings or needs and may result in miscommunication, resentment, or emotional disconnection. In essence, relying on such automatic responses limits personal growth and the opportunity to create more fulfilling relationships.
Defining yourself starts with internal learning—getting to know your own thoughts, values, and ideas—then integrating what you've learned by acting in ways that align with it. An example of defining yourself through self-discovery could be the journey of an individual who values honesty and authenticity. Initially, they might notice a tendency to agree with others to avoid conflict, a behavior rooted in fear of rejection. Through introspection, they begin to recognize that suppressing their true opinions causes internal discomfort and impacts their relationships.
They realize they deeply value open and honest communication by exploring their thoughts. Armed with this understanding, they practice expressing their viewpoints genuinely, even in challenging situations. For instance, during a team meeting, they voice their concerns respectfully instead of remaining silent about a disagreement on a project approach. This shift aligns their actions with their values and fosters a more authentic connection with their colleagues, ultimately leading to improved collaboration and mutual respect. This process of self-awareness and alignment allows them to define themselves more clearly.
Additionally, defining yourself within your family is essential to defining yourself in other relationships. Understanding your family patterns can help you better differentiate yourself and work toward improving your part within your family and other relationship networks. This can involve setting boundaries, expressing your needs and feelings, and learning to communicate openly and honestly.
What Does It Mean to Define Yourself in Your Family?
Family relationships have a significant impact on how people develop and how they think about themselves. Perhaps that is why we all want the picture-perfect family—a family we connect with and feel on the same page with. A family in which all members agree on religion, politics, and lifestyle choices. A family that doesn't trigger us or make us question ourselves. A family that always has our back gives us the benefit of the doubt and allows us to be who we are without judgment.
That type of family does sound nice. However, have you ever seen that kind of family in real life? Every family is a lot messier and more complex than it looks from the outside. Seldom do we get the parents we dream of, the children we planned for, or the sibling relationships we see in movies. Sometimes, even a loving family can bring us more pain than joy.
Defining yourself within your family is a liberating process. It empowers you to break free from the habitual emotional processes of your family while maintaining a strong connection. When you can bond with others without losing connection to yourself, you gain the ability to reflect on a fight or argument, understand your part in it, and choose a new, more constructive way to respond.
If you grew up in a family where everyone maintains tight closeness despite having different thoughts and feelings—and even brief arguments—you likely find it easier to define yourself. Alternately, if your family's mantra was "Being close means agreeing on everything" or "It's my way or the highway," defining yourself is likely very difficult.
Every person possesses a division within themselves. We have our solid selves, with our own ideas and values, and we have other points of view that we've internalized from our family, society, and so on. When we feel anxious or upset, we instinctively alter our thinking to better fit our family patterns.
Recognizing what triggers you to revert to old thoughts and behavior patterns is a crucial step in the journey of self-definition. It equips you with the awareness and understanding needed to either continue those patterns or make choices that allow for a more solid, emotionally mature self.
