Women Are Often Burdened With Interpreting Their Partner’s Feelings

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There is a new theory about the disproportional expectations placed on women in heterosexual relationships to serve as “relationship-maintenance experts.” The theory also considers how this hermeneutic labor is critical to the success of relationships but is often undervalued and how it can lead to women’s dissatisfaction.¹

In this 2024 Youtube video on hermeneutic labor, philosopher Ellie Anderson explains how women in heterosexual relationships tend to be responsible for a deeper type of emotional labor in which they are tasked with:

• Interpreting their own feelings.
• Interpreting the feelings of others.
• Combining those feelings and presenting them in a neat and tidy package.²

In her 2023 paper, Anderson provides the example of how both partners will likely need to manage their emotions (i.e. do some emotional labor) during a discussion about an aspect of their relationship, however the woman has likely been thinking about and trying to interpret her own feelings, her partner’s, and how to best express those feelings.¹

• Reflection question: How much time and thought to do you put into identifying your own emotions, your partner’s emotions, and how to interpret how they are impacting your relationship?

Anderson states, “Hermeneutic labor is the burdensome activity of: understanding and coherently expressing one’s own feelings, desires, intentions, and motivations; discerning those of others; and inventing solutions for relational issues arising from interpersonal tensions.” Anderson describes how women are often expected to act as the “informal therapists for men partners and for the relationship” and how this often results in women feeling disempowered and dissatisfied.¹

• Reflection question: If you are in a male/female relationship, have you noticed this pattern for yourself?

Anderson explains that male partners often set the terms of when and how emotional expression is received, meaning that “they are able to exert power by withdrawing from conversations with women partners and by withholding love and affection.” Anderson describes how this can cause women in such relationships to ruminate, be preoccupied with relationship maintenance, and can lead to mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression.¹

• Reflection questions: Does trying to interpret your partner’s feelings result in you dwelling on and questioning many aspects of your relationship? Have you spent time talking with friends, family, and therapists focused on trying to decode your partner’s feelings? Has this work resulted in you feeling down or stressed?

Anderson states, “…social pressures, gender roles, and the desire for intimate relationships mystify women into thinking that this unhappiness is a price they must pay, and possibly something that may be overcome with even more hermeneutic labor.”¹

• Reflection question: Have you thought to yourself, "If I just work harder, I can figure him out?"

Hermeneutic labor is important and valuable in all relationships.

A first step to dealing with it may include having an open conversation with your partner so you can recognize your patterns, what is working well, and what is leaving one or both of you feeling emotionally, mentally, and/or physically drained.

It may also be helpful for partners to recognize how they have been conditioned through gender norms to engage or not engage in certain types of thoughtful reflection.

If you recognize yourself in any part of this article it can be important to treat yourself and your loved one with kindness. You did not create the gender biases that hinder boys and overly emphasize girls thinking deeply about the thoughts and emotions of others.

Emotional Labor Essential Reads

Emotional Labor in Psychotherapy

The Emotional Labor Required to Lead Effectively

We didn’t create these norms, but we can recreate them in a healthier way.