Why Your Therapist Won't Just Tell You What to Do

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As you’re working with a therapist (or a coach) you might have moments when you feel like they have the answer to your question or that they know the solution to your problem and are just not sharing it with you.

I want to reassure you that this feeling is normal and it can be connected to how much you want to gain clarity and find solutions. But It’s also very unlikely the case that your therapist is withholding answers from you.

Instead of telling you what to do, a therapist will instead ask you questions, ask you to engage in self-reflection, and help you come up with your own solutions.

Therapists and coaches try not to be directive

This includes not:

• Giving advice.
• Telling you the exact ways that they believe you should solve your problem.
• Imposing their will on you.

Advice is often not helpful, and as therapists know, is often not well received. Take a moment to reflect on a recent time when somebody in your life, a loved one or a coworker, gave you advice.

• How helpful did you find that advice?
• Was some of it on point, but other aspects didn’t feel like they completely applied to your situation or made sense for you?

Therapists understand that clients present with layers of intersectional identities, life experiences, and unique perspectives that make giving any sort of general advice ill advised. At best, you might appreciate their effort, and at worst, they might leave you feeling alienated, unheard, and even offended.

Therapy is about you, not your therapist.

If a therapist directly tells you what to do, they are likely doing so to make themselves feel like they are being productive or feel helpful. Therapists are human, and they need a lot of training and their own tools to be able to sit in the uncertainty and discomfort that comes with doing therapy. Therapists who are eager to help and not very comfortable sitting in their own discomfort might impose their thoughts on you of what you “should” do, to intentionally or likely unintentionally, soothe themselves, rather than support you in your discomfort and uncertainty.

Therapists are human, and it can be helpful for them to bring their full authentic selves to your therapeutic relationship. Reasonable self-disclosures that serve the purpose of helping you might be great, although there’s a fine line that therapists need to walk between helping you both build a firm therapeutic connection versus doing you a disservice by trying to find all of the answers for you or making the therapy about themselves.

You are a unique individual

No matter how close people are to you in your life, they have not shared your exact life experience. They may be able to empathize with you, but they cannot completely view the world from your eyes. You know yourself the best.

Therapists have a great amount of knowledge and skills about evidence-based techniques. They have completed years of training to learn skills to help you feel heard and understood during your work together. This means that they hopefully come to your sessions with an open mind and an empathetic ear, treating you with unconditional positive regard, and showing up as their authentic selves.¹

Your therapist should place the highest value on learning about your experiences, as those experiences shape the way that you view the world and your knowledge about what feels healthy for you. Therapists often make every effort to learn about you and also share evidence-based strategies.

Considerations need to be made even when sharing evidence-based strategies, as research is limited in the sense of who gets included in studies; the frequency, intensity, and duration of the treatments examined in those studies; and the accessibility of the resources used in those studies. Rather than trying to make you ignore important parts of your identity to engage in a specific treatment, a therapist may instead share tools from such treatments and help you create strategies that feel meaningful for you. What works for others may not work for you, unless you shape it to be your own.

Unless it is mandated, you are voluntarily choosing to invest in your care by attending therapy. You get to be in the driver's seat. The therapist is there as a support. They are your copilot.

It’s your right to have decision-making power in the directions you take therapy. This often includes the therapist:

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• Mutually setting an agenda with you.
• Asking you reflective questions.
• Making reflective statements/summarizing so that you can identify what makes sense as next steps.

No therapist has all the answers

Therapists are not omniscient. They don’t have all of the “right” answers.

As a complex and nuanced human being, you likely have several areas on which you can focus to improve yourself or reduce stressful symptoms. Your therapist has received training and they are likely knowledgeable in many mental health treatments, but not all of them.

For example, there are therapists who specialize in working with individuals who experience trauma. There are therapists who specialize in working with people who have body image concerns or eating disorders. There are therapists who specialize in working with autistic individuals. It’s not reasonable to expect that any one therapist will have expertise in all of those areas at the same time. Therefore, therapists should be transparent and tell you when something is out of their specialty area or when they don’t know the right answer.

During such times, therapists may offer for you both to do some exploring and research to learn about what types of treatments, techniques, or strategies could be helpful. They also will likely help you reach out to another therapist or coach who specializes in that particular area.

Overall, if you feel like your therapist isn't a good fit for any reason, you can break up with them. Colleagues and I share some strategies on doing so in our new book, You Will Get Through This: A Mental Health First-Aid Kit.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.