Digging Your Way Out of a Resentment Rut

You might think Nelson Mandela, who was imprisoned for almost three decades for his stand against apartheid, would have been filled with resentment. Clearly Mandela was treated unjustly. Yet, instead, he offered this wisdom: “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”

Holding onto resentment is a common dynamic in couple relationships. All too often, even partners who know it’s not good for them still drink that poison. They drink and drink, and then they fall into what I call a resentment rut.

Learning From Your Resentments

However deep the rut—and sometimes it can get so deep it feels like a tunnel straight to the underworld—I believe partners can learn from their resentments. Instead of killing the relationship, awareness of these painful ruptures can become the shovel with which to dig yourselves out of the rut, leading to greater connection, intimacy, and mutual support.

Resentments, no matter how gnarly, can shine a light on your and your partner’s unmet needs if you make the effort to understand what lies beneath them.

I had a client recently who was desperately resentful of her partner. She resented the mental load—all the invisible work—of parenting, which fell heavily on her. He was equally upset with her, expressing resentment that she was hypercritical of his ability to parent. They both felt walled off from each other, with both suffering alone and unable to function as an effective parenting team. In therapy, after validating their feelings and experiences, we worked to discover what needs they were harboring in their respective ruts.

Understanding Your Needs

It’s not trite to say that to be human is to have needs. It could be as simple as the need to shower or to drink a glass of water—things most able-bodied people can do for themselves. Other needs involve help from friends or partners—for example, needing to have your car jumped or needing a strong arm to move a couch. These kinds of basic needs tend to be easier to identify than emotional needs, such as needing someone to listen to you when you’re blue or needing support at different points in your life.

Right now, I’m on the threshold of giving birth, and I’m aware of needing reassurance from my husband that I can birth our daughter and that he will jump in and help me heal afterward. His reassurance is an important need for me, and I know that if it isn’t met, I could easily fall into a resentment rut. So I expressed that to him. But before I could ask for my need to be met, I first had to identify it.

Digging out of a resentment rut—or avoiding falling into one in the first place—requires each partner to be able to identify their needs. In this case, instead of digging a deeper rut, you’re digging to uncover the gold that’s hidden by your resentment.

Journaling Your Needs

To dig out of a resentment rut, I recommend first doing some individual exploration. You can start by journaling to identify your basic needs. Do you need more rest? More play? More hugs? Anything else? See if any surprises come up.

Now move on to your higher-level needs. How do you want to spend your life? Take a macro perspective. Imagine yourself zooming out and thinking about your life as a whole. Is anything missing? Have you always wanted to try a sport, pick up a hobby, travel somewhere, run a marathon, or write a book?

If you’re partnered, think about what you need from your relationship. Do you need more intimacy? Less conflict? More daily connection? Weekly or monthly romantic dates? Help with parenting? More quiet love time? Be bold as you think about what would make your relationship feel safer, more homey, and more fun.

Finally, review each of the needs you’ve identified and consider (a) what you can do yourself to see that they are met and (b) what help you need from your partner and/or friends to have your needs met.

Source: Mary Long/Shutterstock

Sharing With Your Partner

If you’re partnered, set aside some time to sit down and share all your needs with them: basic, higher level, and relational. This will work best if they have done the journaling exercise beforehand as well.

To be clear, this is not a session in which to rehash your resentments. It’s a time to focus on what you each need to forge a greater union.

Discuss the changes you each would like to make. Envision together how you’ll feel once you’re both living in deeper alignment with your needs. Explore what it will mean for your child(ren) to see that you are both aware of and honoring your own and each other’s needs.