Coping with Grief During a Pandemic

Source: Kristin Meekhof

In the past five months, many mental health professionals have asked me how to guide the bereaved during these uncertain times. The topic of grief is near to my heart; not only have I written about it for this blog but I also published a book on this subject matter, and my personal losses bring an added depth of experience and sensitivity. However, I never thought I'd be having a conversation about the best ways to help someone grieve during a pandemic.

Let me start by stating the obvious, grief is extremely emotional and stressful. And there's no real "reset button" for it. Struggling to suppress the overwhelming feelings related to grief may actually intensify anxiety. If grief had a middle name, it would be "Fear".

So rather than fanning the flames of fear and panic, it is helpful to see the bereaved's fear as real. For the bereaved, their fear is real to them, and helping to empower them to take steps to examine not only what they're afraid of but how they can feel in control of their crisis will help them feel safe. This can be very basic, such as figuring out a way for them to get groceries. Helping them through these processes can cool off the intense emotions. The bereaved will also see that they're able to set a system in place to help with meals or other things. Before social distancing, it wasn't uncommon for the bereaved to have people drop off meals but now this can be a source of fear.

During this time of social distancing, the bereaved still desire to feel supported as they often describe they feel they're in an "emotional free fall." And since they may be limited by who they can see in person, it is important to help them feel anchored. One of the ways to help them feel anchored is with a tangible item that may or may not be related to their beloved. I know the first time I took a solo trip a handful of months after my husband died, I tucked a few items (a photograph of him that I placed in a book, a shell, and a necklace) into my handbag to help me feel secure. Clearly, these items don't have magical stress-reducing elements, but they helped me feel centered. And now that the trip to the grocery store or dentist may become stress-inducing for some, it can be helpful for the bereaved to carry a few anchor items with them.

Another way to help the bereaved feel anchored is through a mantra. Help them chose a simple mantra that they can repeat throughout the day or when the tears begin to flow, so that they hear a voice of compassion instead of the voice of criticism that may often rule their mind.

For some, trying or practicing meditation feels unsettling. If they're open to it, they can simply listen to a recorded meditation. Sometimes, listening to the soothing words from a Dr. Deepak Chopra or Rod Stryker meditation calms down the nervous system so the person feels less anxious.

Also, helping the bereaved create a very small list of things, perhaps two or three things, they wish to do each day will give them a sense of accomplishment. Items on this list should not be huge, like starting to train for a marathon. They should be reasonable things they think they can do. Items may include, making a phone call to set up a doctor's appointment, or sorting through the mail, or reading three emails. This can help them feel like they're still able to do something well. After sustaining a loss, self-esteem often takes a big hit. Creating a small list can give them a sense of accomplishment, and the success usually generates a positive emotion. It also helps them plan for each day—even if the list is the same each day, they feel empowered to decide what goes on the list. These "small wins" can feel like a momentary joy elixir for the bereaved. These small moments of joy are how they can begin to rebuild their life.

During these times, the bereaved crave feeling secure, and while you can't promise them they will instantly feel safe by practicing these suggestions, it will help them feel they have control over their hours and days. When they feel some control, it helps them to also feel more confident that they can manage their emotions and complete a few things with some success.