Stop Listening to the People Who Tell You, “You Can't”

Source: geralt/ Pixabay

I recently spent time with a friend of mine, Jim McCann. Jim is an extraordinary person. He is one of America’s most successful entrepreneurs and one of the most caring and compassionate people I’ve ever met. We were working on materials for a book we recently co-authored, Lodestar. Lodestar is a compendium of the most important self-help and self-improvement strategies of the last 100 years. One of the things we discovered in our research was that oftentimes self-improvement begins by overcoming obstacles. Jim asked me about mine.

The Journey Can Be a Challenge

Growing up, I was a happy kid, but not a great student. I was a C+ student, at best. In math, I earned D grades, even with a tutor. The only hint there might be potential was that my teachers uniformly told my parents I was brighter than my grades would suggest. Was that a compliment or simply a rationalization?

In tenth grade, my father was summoned to the guidance counselor’s office where he was told I should be removed from the academic college curriculum and placed in a curriculum for the trades. That would have been fine I guess, but I lacked any mechanical aptitude whatsoever. My father knew this. My father declined the counselor’s offer to place me elsewhere and insisted I remain on the college track simply saying, “I think George will figure it out. It may just take him a little longer.” My father only told me that story 12 years later when I completed my first doctoral training. Along the way, I had three different advisors tell me I would never finish graduate school (they were dismayed that I was even admitted). And two faculty told me I just didn’t have what it took to be a psychologist.

The Discovery

So, it turned out I’m dyslexic and have some variation on the theme of attention deficits and hyperactivity. The revelation was made when I was in graduate school. It was nice to know that I had a “thing” which helped explain some of uniqueness of my life. But I wasn’t about to let that “thing” define me. So how does a kid with dyslexia and attention deficit become a musician, college professor, researcher, and author of over 20 books? My dad was right. I figured out a way to compensate for what has been called a disability by recruiting supplemental brain pathways (the “how” of that is material for another post). Even today I read less than the average person in words per minute, but I can read!

I’m certainly not the first person to overcome dyslexia or attention and hyperactivity challenges. But in retrospect what I learned was the challenge is less the disability and more what you believe about the disability – and yourself. So in other words, your attitude really matters.

Things You Can Do

1. Believe in yourself, even when others don't. Albert Ellis was a pioneer in the field of cognitive behavioral interventions. Albert Bandura later provided a virtual formula for helping people develop a sense of self-agency. He called it self-efficacy. He argued what you believe about yourself matters. If you believe you are flawed, you will behave as if it is so. On the other hand, you can adopt a belief in your own agency any time you decide to do so. Focus on your strength. Don't waste time on your weaknesses.
2. Surround yourself with supportive people. Don’t listen to those who tell you, “You can’t.” My mother, like my father, refused to see my challenges with learning as insurmountable obstacles. Perhaps it was the blind love of a parent that led them to denial. But they believed in me and never stopped believing in me. That support does not have to come from a parent, it can come from anyone. The brilliant research of Albert Bandura and others has shown just how motivating and energizing having someone believe in you can be. Even Cicero noted friends multiply happiness and divide sadness.
3. Understand there is no such thing as one-trial learning. Your greatest successes will only come after some of your greatest failures. So, reframe failures as opportunities that will take you closer to your goals.
4. Speaking of goals, sometimes it’s ok to not know where you are going. It’s been said the shortest route between two places in a straight line. While that’s true, it may not be the most effective. John Krumboltz’s “happenstance theory” argues the best preparation may be preparing yourself for the opportunities you do not know exist. Happenstance may take you on a circuitous route rather than a straight route. Happenstance has defined my entire professional life and allowed me to be a pioneer in four different fields. The key is to keep moving, keep growing. The fields of business, leadership, psychoneurophysiology, public health, and clinical psychology all came together for me.
5. Fortitude is far more powerful than aptitude in most endeavors. So be tenacious. Those who quit will never know how close they came to success. If the front door will not open for you, use the back door. The key is access. With access comes the potential for success.
6. Your “lodestar” should always be life is a journey, not a destination. Remember that anything worth having is worth failing for and that if you don’t shape your future, you will be forced to endure the future someone else designs for you. My father refused to allow my counselor to design my future. I refused to allow my advisors to design my future. I focused on what I could do, not what I could not do. You can do the same. And this is the lesson I hope my grandchildren will learn.

While these aforementioned tactics and strategies may seem unique to me and to the learning challenges I faced, in actuality they are not. Upon closer examination you will find these recommendations are generically applicable and will help just about anyone get from where you are to where you want to be.

© George S. Everly, Jr., PhD