Couple's Sexuality After an Affair

Sexual recovery after an extra-marital affair is an integral, but traditionally ignored, factor in the assessment and treatment of a couple who decides to rebond in their marriage after an affair. In the traditional affair treatment model, touching was prohibited until the affair ended, the betrayal was processed, the cheating partner apologized and made restitution, trust was restored, and emotional intimacy was rebuilt. After weeks or months, affection was allowed. Finally, after a year or longer, they could resume sex (intercourse). Our new model of assessment and treatment of extra-marital affairs emphasizes a time-focused “both-and”( rather than hierarchical )approach. We emphasize touch—affection, sensual, playful, erotic, as well as intercourse. Treatment includes rebuilding trust and intimacy, and developing a new couple's sexual style through a positive, integrative therapeutic process. Pleasure-oriented touch is central to the healing process.

Affair sex is dramatic and exciting

There is clear recognition that you cannot compare extra-marital affair sex with marital sex, it’s “apples and oranges.” Extra-marital affair sex is more dramatic and exciting. The limerence relationship phase (new energy sex) is multiplied by three-breaking boundaries, secrecy, and erotic intensity. The motivating comparison is a new couple's sexual style that balances intimacy, pleasure, and eroticism. Compare your new couple's sexuality to sex before the affair. Be proud of your couple's sexuality which includes strong, resilient desire and reinforces the desire-pleasure-eroticism-satisfaction mantra.

Do not wait until other emotional and relational issues are dealt with. Address relational, extra-marital affairs, trust, intimacy, and sexual vitality issues as you reconnect as an intimate sexual couple.

There is no do-over

You cannot change the past nor can you have a do-over. Learn from the past, processing negative and positive learnings. Your power for change is in the present and future. Rather than feeling controlled by the affair, you join as an intimate and erotic team to create a genuine and satisfying couple sexuality. Your new couple's sexual style reinforces the 15-20 percent role of sexuality to energize your bond and reinforce feelings of desire and desirability. Rather than obsessing about the affair and anguishing about the past, the injured and involved partners integrate intimacy, pleasure, and eroticism as sexual allies.

Although there are individual and couple differences (sexually, one size never fits all), the affair is best understood as a wake-up call and a challenge to create a vital desire-pleasure-eroticism-satisfaction relationship. Couples treat sexuality with benign neglect until the crisis of an extra-marital affair. In sexual recovery, a vital component is putting time and energy into creating and maintaining satisfying intimacy and sexuality. Recovery from an affair is not primarily about sex, but sexuality has a special role in the healing process, especially creating a new couple's sexual style to energize your relationship and allow you to feel desire and desirable. You are no longer controlled by the hurt and anger of the affair. Your intimate and erotic bond is genuine and promotes desire and satisfaction.