Make Choices About Your Relationships That Are Right for You

Source: Samantha Stein

In Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life, Amy Gahran writes about how most people assume everyone is on the same page when talking about relationships. She calls this default set of societal expectations a "relationship escalator." Gahran describes eight steps on the relationship escalator as:

1. Making contact. Flirting, casual/occasional dates, and sex (possibly).
2. Initiation. Romantic courtship gestures or rituals, emotional investment (“falling in love”), and almost certainly sexual contact (except for religiously or socially conservative people).
3. Claiming and defining. Mutual declarations of love, presenting in public as a couple (becoming an “us”), adopting and using common relationship role labels (“my boyfriend,” etc.). Having expectations, or making explicit agreements, for sexual and romantic exclusivity and ending other intimate relationships, if any. Transitioning to unbarriered vaginal/anal intercourse, if applicable (except if that would present unwanted pregnancy risk). Once this step is reached, any further step (including simply remaining in the relationship) can be considered an implied commitment toward intentions of a shared future.
4. Establishment. Adapting the rhythms of your life to accommodate each other on an ongoing basis. Settling into patterns for spending time together (regular date nights and sexual encounters, spending time in each others’ homes, etc.) and communicating (speaking, phoning, or texting when not together, etc.).
5. Commitment. Discussing, or planning for, a long-term shared future as a monogamous couple. Expectations of mutual accountability for whereabouts and behavior. Meeting each others’ family of origin.
6. Merging. Moving in together, sharing a home and finances, getting engaged to be married or equivalent. (May happen before, during or after commitment.)
7. Conclusion. Getting married (legally if possible). The relationship is now “finalized” and its structure is expected to remain static until one partner dies.
8. Legacy. Buying a home, having and raising children. No longer as required as it once was, but often couples may not feel (or be perceived as) fully “valid” until they hit these additional benchmarks post-marriage.

Gahran argues that it’s an "escalator" because most people automatically get on and assume a relationship is significant, healthy, and committed if it’s either headed for the “top” (or goal), or already there.

In other words, most people don’t treat relationship choices as a staircase–i.e., making conscious choices about the steps they want to take or where they want to land, or that it might be healthy and lead to longer-lasting happiness to not take it to the “goal." Instead, they simply assume the escalator is the nature of relationships.

Additionally, often people will judge a relationship (their own or others) if it’s not on this escalator, viewing the relationship (or people) as immature, unhealthy, or not significant. The end goal is what people “should” want and how a relationship is “supposed” to look.

Gahran and others argue, however, that there are many paths healthy, fulfilling relationships might take that are only partially on this escalator or not on it at all. For example, in her book Living Apart Together: The Joy of Sharing Lives Without Sharing an Address, Anne Watson describes all of the benefits of not living with her spouse, whom she has been married to for two decades but never shared a home with. In More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory, Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert outline the joys and challenges of having more than one partner.

Other examples are people who identify as asexual and prefer nonsexual forms of intimacy, while others, because of highly demanding jobs, spiritual practices, frequent travel, or other lifestyle choices are not wanting or able to adapt the rhythms of their lives to a relationship that would create set patterns. Still others may feel that merging finances or getting married creates complexity or discord, or prevents a state of continual choice that keeps their relationship fresh and alive.

Ultimately, there are probably as many reasons people might choose alternatives to the relationship escalator as there are people. What’s important is that people feel they have a choice. There may be parts of the eight steps that they want, they may want all of it, or they may not want any of it. It is up to them and their partner(s) to consciously choose what they want and decide what works best for them.