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Key points
- Moving to a new home and school can traumatize some children.
- Parents may be focused on the positive aspects of the move and overlook the possible negative effects.
- There are things parents can do to help their children transition more smoothly.
When most people think of traumatized children, they assume that the trauma is the result of bad parenting. However, you can be an excellent parent and still accidentally create a traumatic situation for your child out of the best of intentions.
Many people I see in psychotherapy report that some form of moving during their childhood and teenage years—from school to school or from house to house—felt traumatic to them. Most of the time the adults expected their children to be just fine. If the children complained about leaving friends and everything familiar behind or reported feeling sad, their feelings were generally dismissed with a hug and some reassurance.
In my experience, this topic of how some adult psychological problems can be traced back to the person’s childhood reactions to a family move to a new area is rarely addressed. Some children can become traumatized by even one ill-timed move, while with other children then distress is the result of the cumulative effect of many moves.
Here is an example of how a move that was meant to benefit the whole family turned into a nightmare for one of the children.
The Story of Cindy
Cindy was a tall, somewhat chubby, fifth grader. She was a bit of a tomboy. Cindy had previously gone through kindergarten to fifth grade with the same group of children she had known all her life. They all lived within a few blocks of each other.
Cindy was happy and had lots of friends. Cindy had an athletic younger brother Bobby and a slim and attractive older sister Pam, who was 14 and starting to date.
After the Move
Everything changed for Cindy just as she was about to start sixth grade. Her parents bought a house in a new, fancier neighborhood. They thought it would be a good move for their children. The new house had a big backyard to play in and each of the children would finally be able to have their own room.
The move worked well for everyone except Cindy. Being in the new house involved changing schools and making new friends. Her younger brother Bobby was quickly accepted into the local group of neighborhood boys. Once they recognized his athletic ability, everyone wanted him on their team.
Cindy’s older sister Pam was accepted into the “cool kids group.” Being the new girl was an advantage for her because the boys paid her a lot of attention and the other girls wanted to be where the boys were.
Why the Move Created Problems for Cindy
Unfortunately, Cindy was not as popular as either of her siblings. She was at that awkward stage when some girls get chubby just before they develop breasts and a more feminine figure. She also did not understand how to dress to fit into the new school.
In her old neighborhood, Cindy had always been accepted just the way she was and wearing whatever she wanted. Clothes and makeup did not yet interest her. She tended to wear the same clothes repeatedly. However, her friends in her old school had liked her and had known her and her family all her life.
Unfortunately, Cindy’s lack of sophistication and her clothing choices now made her appear odd. In addition, all the other girls had known each other for years. They had already formed cliques and almost everyone had a best friend already.
The other girls started teasing Cindy. She was bullied and left out of things and found it hard to make new friends.
Her popular sister Pam could have stood up for her, but she did not because she was afraid of losing her own newfound popularity. Pam’s lack of support isolated Cindy even further, while her little brother Bobby was not yet mature enough to understand why Cindy was so unhappy. He was too busy playing team sports to really notice very much.
Unfortunately, although her parents realized that Cindy was unhappy, they assumed that was just temporary and would pass as soon as she got used to her new school and neighborhood.
It did not pass and Cindy went from being a happy, confident little girl to a teenager with low self-esteem who overate to comfort herself.
Cindy’s trauma and her low self-esteem were an unintended result of her family’s move. No one realized that something so normal as moving was the cause of Cindy’s unhappiness—least of all Cindy.
What Can Parents Do to Help Their Children Adapt to a Move?
- Be aware that the move may create social difficulties for some children.
- Sometimes fitting in requires new clothing or a different haircut.
- Prepare your children for the move by taking them to the new neighborhood and walking around. Familiarity breeds comfort.
- If possible, visit the school with them and pay attention to how the other children their age are dressed.
- Sometimes the timing of a move makes a big difference. If possible, time the move so that your child is starting a new school when that happens naturally, such as when middle school children move up to junior high (seventh grade) or junior high school students move to high school (ninth grade).
- Tell your children to come to you for help if they encounter any social problems or other issues.
Summary
Parents sometimes underestimate the effect that changing neighborhoods and moving schools can have on some children. For many children, everything goes fine. But for the Cindys of the world, this move can create a traumatic experience that may take years of psychotherapy to resolve. However, this does not have to happen. Parents can help smooth the way for their children by taking some simple steps to help their children adjust more easily.
Based on a Quora post.
Facebook image: Maria Symchych/Shutterstock
